T1B Secret Santa Gift Exchange Thread

The Deciders · Post by **The Deciders** » Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:54 am

Greetings everyone and happy holidays! The time has come to give and receive our gifts. Please start by mentioning who you drew and then post your gift. Only those who signed up in advance can participate in the gift exchange. Comments from the "peanut gallery" are welcome, but spamming, thread hijacks and tard-on-tard slap fests will be handled accordingly by the mods of this forum. There is no deadline on when you can post your gift, just try to do so before Christmas day.

Once again, thanks for participating and let's have some fun!

Cheers,

-The Team

Jay in Phoenix · Post by **Jay in Phoenix** » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:43 pm

I drew MgoBlue-LightSpecial:

Twas some smack before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, except Mgo’s mouse.
Foul panties were hung by the OneBoard with care,
hoping a new A.P. thread would be there.

The mono-browed mod was all snug in his bed,
while visions of Interwebs danced in his head.
On-line with his trollers, and with a nightcap,
he’d just settled down for a little web chat.

When on the OneBoard there arose such a clatter,
he logged on his name to see what was the matter.
Clicking through Windows he flew like a flash,
opened the menu, smoked some of his stash.

When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
but a Christmas-time posting that filled him with fear.
With his hardware driver, so lively and quick,
He knew in a moment it was Jay in Phoenix.

More rapid than eagles, Jays’ Christmas prose came,
so Mgo called out his board mods by name!
Now 88, R-Jack and PSUFAN!
Grab IndyFrisco ‘cause we’re running this man!

Go back up the hard-drives!
Now engage firewall!
Now smack this Jay! Smack this Jay!
He’s gotta’ fall!

But dry heaves erupt from his throat with a cry,
when they meet with this obstacle, posting on high.
And all through his hard-drive the problems they flew,
with a disk full of errors and CD-Roms, too!

And then in a twinkling, he heard a wave file.
with a beep and a buzz he’d be waiting awhile!
As he rolled up his eyes and was turning around,
a virtual Santa appeared with a bound.

Electronically frocked in fur from head to foot,
He wiped Magoo’s hard-drive with ashes and soot.
A bundle of software he’d flung on his back,
and he looked like a virus just primed to attack.

Glowing eyes—how they twinkled! Paintbrush dimples merry!
His pantone cheeks glistened, this color scheme scary!
His digital mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and his bitmaped beard was done up in cornrows.

The stump of a pipe he gripped tight in his teeth,
and virtual smoke crowned his head like a wreath.
Magoo glared at his face, at his round little belly,
bad things were afoot, bad things awful and smelly.

Then to Magoo’s horror, his mind started to crack,
and he paled when he realized, it looked like B’Smack!
A wink of its eye and a twist of its head
And Mgo knew he had something to dread.

He spoke not a word, this anomalous quirk,
just flipped him the bird, then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
he huffed cheeto dust and texted this prose.

“From Phoenix, It's Jay, may your mono-brow bristle,
as this holiday poem hits your dome like a missle.
As I warmly exclaim, ‘fore I blink out of sight,
Happy Christmas you tool, Scrooge your mods and good night!"

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Wed Dec 12, 2012 4:44 am

RACK. It's got a good beat, and you can dance to it.

missjo · Post by **missjo** » Wed Dec 12, 2012 5:23 am

Papa Willie wrote:I got missjo:
http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/8/4/155415/missjo.mp3

ROFLMAO

OMG that is freaking awesome!!!

nice guitar & vocal work ;)

Y2K · Post by **Y2K** » Wed Dec 12, 2012 8:33 am

Holy Shit Spray! Zappa would be proud!

Awesome

Carson · Post by **Carson** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 3:07 am

Oh, I'm picking out a jizzmop for Screw!
Not an ordinary jizzmop for Screw!
But the extra best jizzmop you can buy,
With a handle, and strands, and a bucket to put it in!
Oh, I'm picking out a jizzmop for Screw!
And maybe a washer/dryer, too!
What else can I buy that will make Screw cry?
A Notre Dame press guide, too!

Wait a minute...you already have a Nimbus 5000 jizzmop.

Oh well, my Christmas wish is for Screw Michigan to die in a fire of dried scotch pine needles, and for him to have a Merry Fucking Christmas!

The Seer · Post by **The Seer** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 11:47 am

Since I'm heading out of state this morning and anticipating limited pc access, figured better get something in here....

This thread has been about entertaining readership...not exchanging (gifts).

At 3:40 a.m. with the creative juices at limited flow, I'll go conventional and offer this to Felix.....(Feeldicks to his friends)

If you find your way to the L & L we'll drag out LAX and another "local" for a round and then some rounds.

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Sat Dec 22, 2012 3:32 am

Merry Christmas, TiC!

~a little scene from the TiC household~

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Sun Dec 23, 2012 7:48 pm

For Seer:

My Christmas gift to you is Hope. Hope for a season next year as good as or better than this one.

I know you're disappointed that your team didn't quite make it to the Rose Bowl this year. But it took two victories by Stanford over your Bruins for them to get in, and your team had a great comeback season. They will definitely be back next year, probably losing again to Stanford in the CCG :wink: .

In a battle of freshman QBs yours fell just a little short.

But there is some definite consolation for this season. A team that went 4-8 and 6-8 the past two seasons and wasn't expected to contend was in the CCG up to the very end. And will probably be there next year.

And remember, your season included this:

Shlomart Ben Yisrael · Sun Dec 23, 2012 11:36 pm

What a surprise! I drew Jsc810!

It's a holiday miracle!

My gift to you is included in this download link:

http://www.mediafire.com/file/9pfl7uq2u ... s_Chip.zip

...but like a good boy, you'll have to wait until Christmas morning to unwrap your gift. I will post the password to the .zip file then.

Merry Christmas

Felix · Post by **Felix** » Mon Dec 24, 2012 12:42 pm

I hate last minute shopping....
I drew roach....

anybody that knows roach knows that he spends much of his time beating up a certain shorter stature person....so with that in mind.....

as we get older, we find less and less time to exercise....for me, it's always about motivation
so roach, hopefully this will get you motivated

it's your own tvo punching bag...

and for your down time when your looking to kill a few minutes, here's a link to a dwarf tossing flash game

http://upchucky.com/flash-games-midget.html

a couple of videos for your enjoyment

finally, some music to get you in the spirit

Truman · Post by **Truman** » Mon Dec 24, 2012 1:51 pm

Okay, so I was out runnin’ around the other day when it occurred to me:
Crap! I haven’t gotten my old chum Marty anything for Christmas yet!

Now what to get him... A box of Schwartz’s famous Montreal smoked meat?
A Tim Horton’s reloadable gift card? Maybe a case of Molsons... Wait! I know!

Concert tickets. Aw, fuck, they’re way the fuck over in Europe
and who knows when they’ll tour back home. Maybe...

A new T-shirt? Fuggit. Bore-ring. Besides, he’s already got a closet full of ‘em.
I’m looking for something special. Maybe I’ll ask my old pal Geddy:

Me: Yo, Geddy!
Geddy: Oh, hey, Tru, what up, eh?
Me: Well, I’m in kind of a gift-giving bind and I was wondering if you could help me out...
Geddy: Oh, kinda like a bit of a last-minute thing, eh? What can we do you for, eh?
Me: Jesus, do all you fuckers sound like Mgo and Screwey?
Geddy: Who, eh?
Me: Nevermind. See, I’ve got this buddy of mine who’s a really big Rush fan...
Geddy: Have you seen the new Bytor and the Snowdog tees, eh? They’re fuckin-ay bitchin’ eh!
Me: No, no, no, I’m sure he’s already got one...
Geddy: Well tell me about the little fella then, eh...

Er, well, that’s just it. I don’t really know if he’s a “little fella” at all.
See, I’ve never actually met him. He’s just some Canadian guy named “Martyred”
who I’ve been reading on a chat board over the past seven years....

:?

:!:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. There’s no point trying to explain it. Hell, don’t YOU know him?
He IS Canadian after all. I thought all you guys knew one another... So, do you think you can help me out?

Well, gee, Truman, now that you mention it, eh...
Got to like a little fella with the colour red in his name, just like the flaag, eh!

Tell you what, we’ll give it a shot, eh! Alex! Hey Alex, you knob, eh!
You want to help old Truman out, eh with that little fella, eh? I’m thinking a song, eh...

Oh, you betcha, Geddy, eh! Darn tootin’ eh! And I know just the tune, eh...

The Red Marty

Red Marty hails from Canada
Red Marty hang around
Red Marty is an anarchist
Red Marty knows no bounds
Red Marty post a million threads
Red Marty bring the laffs
Red Marty on the Interwebs
Red Marty wytch the gaffes

Sometimes slapping L-Tard around
Sometimes making fun of Scott
Sometimes pushing all Van’s buttons
Sometimes being sent to TROTS
It’s another rack from Cuda
It's calling poptart home
It's Cinderella Undercover
Lodged in Toddowen’s dome

Red Marty hails from Canada
Red Marty hate the Jews
Red Marty believe in Soviet State
Red Marty mop for Screw
Red Marty make a million posts
Red Marty’s Spin Zone reels
Red Marty lives in Mikey’s head
Red Marty make Dee Snutz squeal

Sometimes fucking Lillian Vernon
Sometimes making love to Trev
Sometimes eating poutine with Phibes
Lock another thread
It's a Bolshevistic wet dream
It's the bourgeois he would rule
It's Atomic Punk in Cul-de-Smack
Being played to look the tool

Red Marty hails from Canada
Red Marty gotta take
Red Marty use his power for good
Red Marty called a fake
Red Marty got Katy thang
Red Marty shit to dole
Red Marty got a spread-sheet
Red Marty
is
Perk’s
troll...

Merry Christmas, Comrade!

Shlomart Ben Yisrael · Mon Dec 24, 2012 5:48 pm

Tru...~sniff~...you just thawed (slightly) this frozen Maoist's heart...

When we ~~invade your Great Satan~~ are welcomed by your workers on the day of "The Great Emancipation Of The Oppressed Proletariat" I will ask the camp guards to give you an extra helping of gruel and an ergonomic, soft-handled shovel, tovarisch.

Left Seater · Post by **Left Seater** » Mon Dec 24, 2012 9:49 pm

So I ~~drew~~ was assigned R-Jack. This isn't someone I knew a huge deal about since he isn't a regular in BTPCFB and I am an off and on poster in Cul de Smack. I also am not much of a musician or a poet so writing or singing anything is out. Instead I thought I would take this thread in a new direction and provide actual gifts since R-Jack left this item in the secret santa thread:

R-Jack wrote:In.

I'm a medium in shirts. Waist size 30

With that in mind I was off to our supply closet to see just what exactly I could find for my T1B friend. After a ~~hour~~ a couple of minutes I was frustrated as there wasn't a single thing I could find in the closet that was a shhmedium or a 30 waist. So I went and found our equipment manager and asked him if there was anything that we had in those sizes. He replied with, "you don't have any kids so why are you looking for kids clothes?" I explained they were Christmas gifts for a buddy and he asked why I was friends with a jr high school kid? After a few minutes of this type of back and forth he said there wasn't anything in those sizes. Saddened that I was going to have to shell out actual cash for this gift exchange I went back to my office. Much to my surprise a few minutes later the Equipment Manager was back and dropped a few things on my desk. He expained that many vendors sent us samples to verify and those were often in Shhhmediums. These always go unused and as such they were now mine.

So given that R-Jack likely won't be going back to the gym anytime soon and certainly won't be doing any cross-fit, I figured he would need a new activity to help him keep his ~~boyish~~ sculpted figure. What better activity than hockey and the puck bunnies and MILFs hanging around rinks looking for their next conquest. I am guessing R-Jack has all of his teeth so he should be at the top of the list for these ladies.

With that in mind here are some items to get you started R-Jack.

Tape is the item that makes hockey go and everyone uses Howies. So rather than look like it is your first time at a rink here is a Howies shirt so you fit right in.

You will also need a workout shirt that is dryfit so while you are lifting in the rink's weight room you will look "big"

When you hit the ice you will need another dryfit to wear under your pads and sweater

With all this workouts and skating you will likely sweat a lot so you will need these sweat bands

In order to look good on the ice you will need some practice and these soft pucks will allow you to practice your dangle and stick handling anywhere

Since you will want to look your best for the puck bunnies post game you will need something to hold all your grooming products

Of course you will need a sweater to wear and what is better than one signed by NHL and future NHL players including two Stanley Cup Winners

You will also need something to help carry all this gear and what is better than a Booster Club bag from a few years ago to give you "cred"

Now I want to make sure you look good post game for those puck bunnies so here is a collared shirt

When all of this hockey and workouts finally land you the puck bunny of your dreams, you will need to make sure you mark her as yours so here is a foam finger that matches your sweater

Merry Christmas R-Jack. PM me an address and I will get all of this stuff to you later this week.

Screw_Michigan · Post by **Screw_Michigan** » Mon Dec 24, 2012 11:35 pm

Howie's Hockey Tape of Kentwood, Mich. Nice selection there LS.

missjo · Post by **missjo** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 12:38 am

Merry Xmas 88 I made you a mix tape with 8 of the most Iconic 80's rock songs
that you probably have never heard but are brilliant just the same

[

& I'll gift this one to the rest of T1B
My favourite Christmas Ditty by the legendary Kevin B Wilson

War Wagon · Post by **War Wagon** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 1:53 am

an Aussie mix tape that doesn't include Midnight Oil?

I call bullshit. Gift this, bitch.

But first... rack Truman.

Wolfman · Post by **Wolfman** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 2:48 am

No love for Paul Kelly and the Messengers, the Divinyls ??

Left Seater · Post by **Left Seater** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 4:11 am

Only the best for R-Jack.

Van · Post by **Van** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 8:31 am

I was assigned mvscal. Nice.

My first thought was to hook him up with the one thing that I think we can all agree he desperately needs...

...but then I thought, 'C'mon, this is Christmas. Do I really want to harsh his gig? What about that other thing he clearly needs...'

In the end I decided...nah. I don't want to be responsible for that sort of carnage.

Instead, I decided to go with something a bit different: a T1B spin on a classic old joke....

~ ~ ~

A talent agent was sitting in his office when mvscal burst in with the Vogel family in tow...literally. They were all ball-gagged, hog-tied and chained together, and he'd dragged them through the lobby behind a beat-to-shit rickshaw he stole from poptart's wife, who'd left it unattended in front of her nail salon/kimchi enema parlor.

'What the fuck is this?' thought the talent agent, but since he had nothing on his calender that afternoon he decided to give the freaks a shot.

"Okay, whatcha got for me?" he smirked, crossing his arms while kicking his feet up on his desk.

Pulling up his camo jacket, mvscal grabbed some wire-cutters from his utility belt and proceeded to go around the room snipping the phone lines and intercom feeds before grabbing the stunned agent's laptop computer and tossing it out the window.

"Just the usual precautions," he grinned, plugging the guy in the forehead with a blowdart loaded with a massive dose of elephant laxative. "Now sit back and enjoy the show."

"Goddammit, what did you just shoot me with?" screamed the talent scout, rising from his chair.

"Going to do it the hard way, huh?" chuckled mvscal, brandishing those same wire-cutters. Shoving the guy back into his overstuffed leather chair, he snipped both his Achilles' tendons before duct-taping him to his La-Z-Boy.

"WHAT THE FUCK! If you were gonna tie me to my chair anyway, why'd you have to hobble me too?" the poor guy shrieked, writhing in agony.

"Some people just need hobbling," mvscal deadpanned.

"Oh god...I don't feel so good. What was that shit you shot me with?" burped the agent, his stomach beginning to rumble.

"You hit him with the Party Mix, didntcha?" giggled Vogel Daughter.

"Oh, quit drooling," grinned Vogel Wife, rolling her eyes at her daughter.

"Please, Britney, don't encourage this psycho," hissed a prostrate Dan Vogel, earning him an immediate kick to the chops from mvscal's steel-toed G.I. Joe 'Desert Storm' Official Replica shitstomper boot.

"Jeez, Dad, are you ever gonna learn? I'm beginning to think you like that shit," sighed his morose little Bette Davis wannabe of a son, Todd.

Turning back to the talent scout, mvscal held up his finger, as if to say, "Watch this." He gave a high-pitched whistle, and in bounded a Giant Mastiff. mvscal made a little clicking noise with his tongue, and the enormous beast dragged his massive dangling balls across Dan's face before lifting his leg and letting loose with a good minute-long whiz into the keening reprobate's ears, eyes and mouth.

"Go German this time..." commanded mvscal, and Dan began to gargle the giant dog's amber spend while humming "Ode to Joy" in a piss-garbled warble.

Unhooking a pair of bolt-cutters from his crossed bandoliers, mvscal quickly freed his charges while undoing his combat fatigues. Eyeing Tiffany, the Vogel's veritable pride and joy cheerleader/honor student/meth dealer/cum dumpster/youporn webcam sensation of a daughter, he smiled when she dutifully crawled over and fished out his "angry little soldier," as she affectionately referred to it.

"I see you've been taking your boner pills," she grinned, twiddling his tumescent nub between her practiced fingertips.

"Unnnggggghhhhshitttttttttttttttt," groaned mvscal.

"But not your stamina pills, you dork," giggled Tiffany. "Ewwww," she whined, taking a pathetic little rope of watery splooge directly in the eye.

Quickly popping another half-dozen pills, mvscal growled determinedly, "Shut the fuck up, you stupid syphilitic circus ape. Don't you worry, there's more where that came from."

"Ooooh, such big talk! Tell me more, Unka Pervy," cooed Tiffany, coquettishly batting her one clear eye.

"Owww!" came Todd's squeaky voice, interrupting their reverie. "Mom, fuck, watch it, will ya? I think you chipped my fucking tooth!" he added, and mvscal turned to see the youngest Vogel sibling holding his mouth where Britney Vogel had just accidentally punched it. Having been drawn by the ominous stomach-gurgles emanating from the talent agent's general direction, Todd had yanked the man's pants off and was fighting with his mom for working space. She was trying to fist Mr. Flatulent, and Todd was eager to plant his mouth at the soon-to-be Fountain O' Plenty; as always when an irresistible force meets an immovable object, there was a violent collision.

In the meantime, things weren't going too particularly well for the increasingly gassy talent agent.

"Wha—" he started to groan, clutching his stomach, then all hell broke loose. With an anguished cry, the guy erupted in five generations' worth of explosive diarrhea, which was mvscal's cue to give another sharp whistle call. In strutted trev wearing a pair of San Diego Chargers powder blue and gold panties, white thigh-high boots, a mesh throwback jersey, and an iron riding bit.

Toting her ubiquitous half-empty bottle of cheap vodka, she looked every bit of Suburban Slutty.

"Oh, that's right, it's Wednesday, isn't it?" she asked insouciantly.

Tugging his pants down, the son started fucking the mom, who was rolling her head back and forth in the talent scout's erupting shitstorm. The daughter was rimming trev, who was feeding Thor the Giant Mastiff's crazy-huge balls into Dan Vogel's hungry maw while mvscal sat off to the side feverishly googling up a response to Truman's latest riposte.

Wanting more of the action, trev started fucking the dog, then the son started fucking the daughter as Frau Vogel ripped off her Mom Jeans and shit on her son's back. Barking like mad, the frenzied dog lapped up the shit while the talent agent kept launching his own arcing brown torrent all over the floor. Scooting over on her hands and knees, the daughter joined trev in licking up all the shit, then the daughter perched herself on trev's face and let loose with a frothy piss to make a three-sheets-to-the-wind sailor jealous. It was a curious mix of colors: cum white, yeast-infection rust, recently-raped-by-a-largemouth-bass crimson, and, even more curious, Longhorns Burnt Orange.

Satisfied that he'd parried Truman's digital thrust with a rapier response he plagiarized from some retard.org website, mvscal doffed his camo togs and rejoined the fray. Grabbing a spot alongside the horny-as-hell pooch, he joined the slobbering hound in cock-blasting the bejeezus out of trev's tortured leathery Cherrio.

"Oh, there you are, sweetie. I was wondering where you had disappeared to," sniggered trev, glancing back over her shoulder. "Be a dear and make room for Todd, 'k?"

Slipping beneath the rutting trio, Todd drove his turgid little pisser as far as it would go into trev's seriously bored pussy. Cumming immediately, he shot off like the exhaust of a '74 Impala, adding his diseased seed to that of mvscal's Kabul-contaminated offering, both of which made the feral Mastiff's rabies-riddled load seem positively pristine by comparison.

Sidling up to squat over the fetid fuckers, Mrs. Vogel and her daughter took turns playing Hose Down The Peasants, pissing on mvscal, Todd and trev in equal measure.

Grinning together, the entire group paused as one to look over to the corner of the room, where Dan Vogel lay weeping in a corner.

Coming to their feet, mvscal presented his bedraggled troupe to the still-shitting-himself talent scout.

Moaning through his ass spasms, the cramping scout drolly asked, "Okay, great, so what do you call your little act?"

Leading his group in a deep bow, mvscal smiled, "The Aristocrats."

~Merry Christmas, asshats.~

Atomic Punk · Post by **Atomic Punk** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 8:45 am

missjo wrote:Merry Xmas 88 I made you a mix tape with 8 of the most Iconic 80's rock songs
that you probably have never heard but are brilliant just the same

The Australian band "The Angels" were later named "Angel City." I would love to hear from a board blowhard what song Angel City cranked out that really made a big showing in the US. Google will ruin the trivia aspect.

missjo · Post by **missjo** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 9:20 am

War Wagon wrote:an Aussie mix tape that doesn't include Midnight Oil?

I call bullshit. Gift this, bitch

I was avoiding the obvious Bands like the Oil's, AC/DC & Men at work & the Divinyls who had already had major airplay in the US
My gift was to introduce 88 to Other Iconic Australian bands who were just as big if not bigger (like Cold Chisel & the Angels)
in this country during the 80's

Wolfy I was keeping it to 8 bands & Paul Kelly was bigger in the 90's

Terry in Crapchester · Tue Dec 25, 2012 9:55 am

Merry Christmas, Left Seater.

For those who don't know, Lefty moonlights (or used to moonlight) as the Traveling Secretary for a minor league hockey team, which gives him something in common with this guy

Erstwhile Assistant to the Traveling Secretary for the New York Yankees, circa mid-1990's.

With that in mind, his first gift . . .

To hide under your desk for those times you absolutely have to have a nap. Just don't let your boss find out about it, or he may think it's a bomb. Then you'll have to have one of your T1B buddies call in a terrorist threat.

And while we're on the subject of the Houston Aeros, a little something from their first incarnation:

A little before your time, I know -- I was just a little kid when it happened. And it was more a publicity stunt than anything else -- Gordie was way past his prime by that time, and the big drawing card was that he was playing with his sons. But the oldtimers (think Wolfman's grandkids' age) tell me he was one of the greatest to ever lace up a pair of skates. So whatever you do, don't wear that jersey out on the ice when you decide to race against

Of course, hockey isn't Lefty's only interest. He and the Mrs. certainly love to travel, or so it seems. So with that in mind . . .

In the unlikely event there's a part of the world you haven't yet seen, this may help you pick it out.

And then, when it comes time to finalizing the travel arrangements, something to help you out . . .

http://www.kayak.com

Search one and done. Or so I'm told. Or if you prefer the personal touch, I'll hook you up with a travel agency run by one of my college classmates:

http://www.anthonytravel.com/

A lot of their travel packages have to do with college sporting events, so that should be up your alley as well. But I think they also do other travel arrangements.

Merry Christmas!

Wolfman · Post by **Wolfman** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 1:14 pm

Merry Christmas UCANT. I was going to get you a brand new 2013 Corvette, but I ran out of money buying things for the family, like my health insurance. Instead I thought I'd pass on some useless information about the holiday. UCANT ever have enough useless information. How else can you amaze friends, family, and most of all strangers on a Twat Bitch spin-off board. The biologist in me passes this on to you for free. Enjoy, and I really do wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Shlomart Ben Yisrael · Tue Dec 25, 2012 1:42 pm

Merry Christmas, Chipster. PM sent.

I will leave it to Jsc's discretion whether or not he wishes to share his gift with the board...seeing as though it's of a highly personal and heart-felt nature...

Screw_Michigan · Post by **Screw_Michigan** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 4:31 pm

I drew Carson and heard Allbarn needed a new quarterback, so I opened up the vault:

And with hope you might suffer an unfortunate accident, here's a little book for you:

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 5:12 pm

missjo wrote:Iconic Australian bands

Thank you for the gift of laughter.

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Tue Dec 25, 2012 5:24 pm

Screw_Michigan wrote:I drew Carson and heard Allbarn needed a new quarterback, so I opened up the vault:

Too many fives and singles in that bag to lure an SEC recruit. That's MAC-level cheating.

missjo · Post by **missjo** » Wed Dec 26, 2012 12:37 am

Martyred wrote:Merry Christmas, Chipster. PM sent.

I will leave it to Jsc's discretion whether or not he wishes to share his gift with the board...seeing as though it's of a highly personal and heart-felt nature...

I think a file of pictures of you wearing nothing but a santa hat & a smile are best left secret

R-Jack · Post by **R-Jack** » Wed Dec 26, 2012 5:16 am

Woah...

Sorry so late bros. Go Coogs, Rumpleforeskin......RUMPS!!! My main man. Better late than never right?

I know what you were thinking. R-Jack is going to drop the ball on this gift exchange and not show up. You couldn't be more wrong. I know that most recently single men are too caught up on trying to stick their dick in anything that moves to remember the important details of the life around them. We can usually get the date right but are too wrapped up in ourselves to actually put any real thought into any gift. I remember my uncle Bob....when he was separated from his wife he was a mess. You know what he got my seven year old cousin at her princess themed birthday? A basketball and an athletic cup. Most of us got no goddamn sense.

Not me. The truth is, I was working the phones and pulling some strings to get you a care package that would leave you jollier than Santa blowing a load of tinsel on Ms. Claus's face. All of it came together real late so I couldn't do the big reveal till now. It will totally be worth the wait.

First off, since I know how big of a hockey fan you are......

I got you this kick ass workout shirt with your favorite hockey team on it. It's even that kind that wicks away moisture, so you can stay cool and dry when you are hitting the gym making yourself look buff for your woman.

I know right? Pretty fucking awesome. But what could be better than one workout shirt????????

TWO WORKOUT SHIRTS. Hell you could probably wear this under a hockey jersey and hit the links right now like your favorite Areolas player. You know, Mr. Whatshisname. He uses a stick.

Just because I know you're going to be rockin it in the weightroom and on the links, I'm hooking your up with some sweatbands too. I saw these at the store and just knew you would love these.

I know you are going to need something to carry all this sweet gear from the gym to home or work, so I hooked you up with this sweet travel bag.

Of course you are going to need an awesome shirt since after all that gym time your woman is going to want to step out on the town with her chiseled arm candy and I'm not talking about her purse full of Jolly Ranchers. Here's something that will keep you country club chic and repping your favorite team of whatever sport this team plays.

No need to thank me bro. It's just what I do for the important people in my life during the holidays. Merry Christmas Coogs. PM me your address and I'll send it out to you ASAP. BTW you're a medium right? Ahhhhhhhhh. Of course you are.

missjo · Post by **missjo** » Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:42 am

I see R-Jack is a regifter

Truman · Post by **Truman** » Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:07 pm

Every runner that toes a start line enters the race with a Plan in mind. Some look to achieve a personal best; others simply look to finish strong. Mine has always been to let some fit li’l hottie set the pace and follow her tight, spandex-covered ass start –to-finish. So I’ll go ahead and rack your original gift, 8s, as it was right in my wheel-house. After all: It’s the thought that counts.

But I DO appreciate the Lion’s Brew… Beats the hell out of the Framed, Limited Edition NFIB v. Sebelius Robert’s Opinion I was expecting. FYI, the Chiefs tube socks you sent “came” already pre-gacked. A 2-13 season will do that to you…

BTW, long overdue racks to Willie (dude!); Jay, whose talents apparently frightened the ‘deer so badly it exposed their French origin; and R-Jack, whose re-gift had me lol-ing.

Finally, Van, a question: “A T1B spin on a classic old joke”? Gotta admit I’ve never come across anything quite like this written by Larry David or Conan O’Brien. Even Mike Backer found it, er, irregular. Are you also ~~ghost writing~~ editing letters sent by "contributors" to Scat illustrated? I sense a real career opportunity here…

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:30 am

Rack R-Jack. Well played.

Go Coogs' · Post by **Go Coogs'** » Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:11 am

shutyomouth...

Well, I was struggling to find the right gift for a messageboard whore from Alabama and I didn't really have a lot of time to shop around, so I had to settle for what I had here at Casa del Rumpso.

Mrs. Rumps bought herself some new bras over the holidays and was going to trash her old ones and then I remembered y'all both wear triple E, so here you go buddy.

And don't worry, I made sure Mrs. Rumps soaked the under rim in hot, soapy water because that is where she sweats the most.

While I was rummaging through some of Mrs. Rumps old stuff, I thought you could use some of her 'self-help' items...

Her old diabtes kit:

Her old weight watchers giude:

South Beach Diet Book...

Nutrisystem meals...

And her Atkins Diet guide...

Unfortunately, while I was putting this all together to send to you, Mrs. Rumps made you a snack...

Her cupcake business has really taken off and after I showed her your fat fingers playing guitar on Youtube, she thought you might like her treats. Maybe you can start the dieting after you mow these 200 cupcakes down during the first half of the Falcons game.

Merry Christmas, Buttsy.

War Wagon · Post by **War Wagon** » Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:46 am

Rumps - a day late, as usual.

Van · Post by **Van** » Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:48 am

Truman wrote:Finally, Van, a question: “A T1B spin on a classic old joke”? Gotta admit I’ve never come across anything quite like this written by Larry David or Conan O’Brien.

Yep, it's a classic old joke, and you can in fact be certain that Larry David, Conan O'Brien and every other comedien you can think of has not only heard it but actually taken a run at it.

They even made a documentary recently about it...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)

Here is probably the most infamous telling to date, absolutely nailed to the cross by the least likely guy ever...

Truman · Post by **Truman** » Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:14 pm

I HAVE seen this before...

Er, I suppose it was all the violence, brutality, incest, rape, sodomy, sado-masochism, beastiality, scat, and piss that distracted me from your narrative…

…which, of course, makes it a T1B story. Mea Culpa. I’ll try to keep up.

Carson · Post by **Carson** » Thu Dec 27, 2012 6:18 pm

...and sweat.

Don't forget (ulp) sweat.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Fri Dec 28, 2012 3:31 am

Mikey wrote:For Seer:

My Christmas gift to you is Hope. Hope for a season next year as good as or better than this one.

The way they're looking against Baylor right now I'm not so sure there's really all that much hope.

:?