where is Jess the Rookie?

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Wed Sep 24, 2008 5:55 pm

I watched a Curb re-run last night and Jess popped up in one of the scenes standing behind LD as he's bickering with a shop customer in line. Good stuff.

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 6:00 pm

Jsc810 wrote:

His page at IMDb shows he has been busy.

Biography:This character biography is empty.
1. The Jerk Theory (2008) Played by Jesse Heiman

That about says it all.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:10 pm

You probably won't see him here anymore.

Now that he's a big star he doesn't need us anymore and he's bound to just forget about those who stood behind him when he was just a fat loser with a jewfro.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:44 pm

mvscal wrote:

I've always kind of wanted to punch him in his fat gut for no particular reason. Still do, I guess.

Thoroughly uncreative.

I was thinking it would be much better to whack him upside his fat fucking face with a cardboard D&D sword while screaming "GGGGHHHHHAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!"

Since turnabout is fair play and all.

MuchoBulls · Post by **MuchoBulls** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:51 pm

Jsc810 wrote:Jess has his own message board at IMDb, and it seems some there share mvscal's sentiments.

The funny thing about the message board is seeing Jess coming on there himself and trying to defend himself against the naysayers.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:54 pm

he's been in a shitload of stuff.

i wonder how much he had to pay.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:59 pm

MuchoBulls wrote:
Jsc810 wrote:Jess has his own message board at IMDb, and it seems some there share mvscal's sentiments.
The funny thing about the message board is seeing Jess coming on there himself and trying to defend himself against the naysayers.

He seems to get some support from a poster named “shrubmeister”.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:06 pm

mvscal wrote:I know it isn't very creative, but that isn't the point. I want to drive my fist into his fat belly just to see what happens. It's more of an experiment in impact physics than true hatred.

Let's compromise -- I'll crouch down behind his knees, and you unleash a straigh blast into his fat fucking gut.

Slapstick fun will be had by all... except maybe Nonookie, but who really cares?

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:21 pm

why doesn't he have that troll stop picture of himself with the wet crotch in his slide show?

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:42 pm

mvscal wrote:OK. Hopefully he doesn't have retard strength or this could go horribly wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7I1nIveigws

The 0:38 mark of this video shows that you make a very solid point here.

Maybe we should err on the side of caution, and limit our abuse of Intact Hymen to the internet.

Jerkovich · Post by **Jerkovich** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:52 pm

My wife and I had the pleasure of sitting down and have a few brewskys with the Jessfro. The kid is quite funny and enduring. I take the comments of the haters in context, and now realize who the real losers are in this forum.

:P

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:56 pm

Kevnic, have you been embroiled in a life-long struggle against English, or did it develop in the years just prior to your registration at SC?

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:38 pm

Jerkovich wrote:My wife and I had the pleasure of sitting down and have a few brewskys with the Jessfro. The kid is quite funny and enduring.

5 "B" movie or tv shitcom appearances a year in roles like "Potted plant near the bar" can hardly be considered "Enduring"

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:46 pm

PSUFAN wrote:Kevnic, have you been embroiled in a life-long struggle against English, or did it develop in the years just prior to your registration at SC?

I think that would be better characterized as an endearing struggle.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:30 pm

shrubbmeister wrote:^ the above moron is from theoneboard.com, a refugee from Jim Rome's "Smack Chat", defunct for almost 4 years now. It was The Trolls, then many other incarnations.

Jesse is working, and he does what he does. MORE POWER TO HIM!

Single men, over age 35, dead end jobs and life, living on message boards, are who the detracters are. Bitter and lonely.

Jesse, you keep on keeping on.

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:00 pm

Holy Christ

I.Just.Couldn't.Watch.It.All

DIE

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ad75f76d56

smackaholic · Post by **smackaholic** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:54 pm

good to see the professional human piss mop is still gainfully employed.

I think he peaked though, with the vontage ad.

Jerkovich · Post by **Jerkovich** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:45 am

Endearing, ya fuck shit dick lickers. Nice spell smack, but Jess has bode ove all of you dumb fucks.

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:28 am

Hey Dipshit- did you WATCH this pathetic pile of crap Jess is hawking at his IMDB site?

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ad75f76d56

Let me summarize. A bit:

Jess is an obsessed obese 20 year old male gay fan of the 50 year old Peter Criss "Cat" character from KISS, and he goes to meet him, to fuck him.

As a gay. Male. Fan. Of a guy. In cat makeup.

Follow so far?

So the CAT and his manager transform Jess into another CAT so they can fuck. As cats.

That is about where I turned it off.

I can't imagine it ended better than it began.

I could be lying on the floor covered in my own feces and drinking my own piss and I would have bode over that pathetic example of acting, story, and character development.

PS

I do think that makes your #1 fan a fuck shit dick lickin pussy.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 6:37 am

but Jess has bode ove

You're confusing me...he has an egg-producing uterus?

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 6:47 pm

PSUFAN wrote:
shrubbmeister wrote:^ the above moron is from theoneboard.com, a refugee from Jim Rome's "Smack Chat", defunct for almost 4 years now. It was The Trolls, then many other incarnations.

Jesse is working, and he does what he does. MORE POWER TO HIM!

Single men, over age 35, dead end jobs and life, living on message boards, are who the detracters are. Bitter and lonely.

Jesse, you keep on keeping on.

Uhm, correct me if I'm wrong...

But isn't Jess looking at the wrong side of 30 pretty soon?

Has he landed any sort of starring role, or has his "career" devolved into a dead-end of playing one lampshade after another (when he's not busy playing a gay cat, of course)?

Did he not start his own messageboard, not for humor or entertainment, but to promote himself to strangers?

Is he not single, after keeping his cherry until like age 25 or something?

So, how is it exactly that he has such massive BODE over the rest of us? Because he's a few years younger? Because to the casual observer, you can take the "loser" tag that Talks To Owls is bandying about, multiply it tenfold, and it pretty much sums up Jess.

Nothing against the guy, and I wish Jess nothing but the best, but seriously... how anyone equates someone who has had only the smallest modicum of "success" in his chosen field, has no regular employment (although I'm sure royalty checks don't suck), and frankly, couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of hunskies, is somehow "chasing his dream" to the point of having BODE.

And as long as I'm on these boards, I'll never forget Van dropping the "I'm not going to return your smack, Jess, because I think you're such a fucked up loser in real life, that a smack assault from me would put you over the top and make you become suicidal."

Maybe not those exact words, but that was certainly the gist. And absolutely the most brutal smack I've ever seen dropped.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:30 pm

mvscal wrote:
Dinsdale wrote:I'll never forget Van dropping the "I'm not going to return your smack, Jess, because I think you're such a fucked up loser in real life, that a smack assault from me would put you over the top and make you become suicidal."

That's pretty Harsh.

Haven't seen him around for a while, either.

jtr · Post by **jtr** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:10 am

Sorry I havent had time to participate in this pitiful pile on from the usual suspects of the paunch pillagers of this shithole board. I've been busy planning my move up to the valley, up to the next step of my career, and believe it or not you drunk Neanderthals moving up in the social scene. My schedule has been filled with work, dates, and meetings. If you guys want to get off your wrinkly pork rind asses and support me American Carol comes out next week in which I play a younger version of Michael Moore. The jerk theory will be coming out to theatres next year, the producers currently have 5 offers on the table and are trying to figure out the best release date and trying to get the film into Sundance. I'll try and swing by more often if I get an opening in my days working regularly on Chuck, Pushing Daisies, Everybody Hates Chris, and standing in for Jonah Hill on a movie called Funny People starring Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler and being directed by Judd Aoatow.

So continue with your patheic attempt to get over on me like someone important is watching and gonna crown your asses my hate club or cult, cause you know all it really does is make your own dicks twitch which is a nice change since your overweight, boozed up, loose like pauly shore on 3 40s wives pay no attention to them at all.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:26 am

Nice to hear from you Jess.

I saw a trailer from American Carol tonight. I wasn't sure if that was actually Michael Moore or not.

So how's it goin'? Getting any?

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:30 am

I've been busy planning my move up to the valley,

A move "UP"?

to the Valley?

San Fernando?

Valley?

Please, Please - don't use the phrase "Porn Films"

jtr wrote:if I get an opening in my days working regularly on Chuck, (5 of 22 EPISODES)
Pushing Daisies (NOT LISTED IN THE CREDITS),
Everybody Hates Chris(NOT LISTED IN THE 100-PLUS TOP CREDITS),
and standing in for Jonah Hill on a movie called Funny People (KEY PHRASE: "STANDING IN"

Yeah. Quite a non-resume resume you've got going there.

Roger_the_Shrubber · Post by **Roger_the_Shrubber** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 8:35 am

Rock on Jesse!!!!!

smackaholic · Post by **smackaholic** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 11:30 pm

so jess, have you actual fukked a real girl yet?

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 5:04 pm

Good to see you branching out and not getting typecast as a fat, slovenly loser....oh, wait nevermind.

I guess you thought it was a coincidence that RtS was mentoring him?

Moby Dick · Post by **Moby Dick** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:02 am

e wrote:no smack intended at all here but until your post, i had no idea everybody hates chris was still on. i did see you on some old episode of something my daughter was watching on teen nick or something like that the other day. maybe ned's declassified?

UPN bro, UPN.

Wolfman · Post by **Wolfman** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 2:20 am

I'll 3st the racks for JTR--how many of us have been in a movie-let alone make
the IMDB credit list ?? Some day we'll look back on this and say proudly that we posted on the same board as Jess---then again maybe not !

jtr · Post by **jtr** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:18 am

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 5:28 am

You know, some of us have corneas that we would like to avoid ripping out instinctively after seeing something like that.

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 7:34 am

Memo to Jess:

Halloween is at the end of OCTOBER.

smackaholic · Post by **smackaholic** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:51 am

jtr wrote:

I think I'd rather be seen in oversized panties.

Well, maybe not.

smackaholic · Post by **smackaholic** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:53 am

Good to see you got over that career ending idea of getting yourself into shape, jess.

rack you, I guess.

Adelpiero · Post by **Adelpiero** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:32 pm

i thought i seen Jess on Entourage last night.

they were dining outside, and the bush next to their table looked like his jewfro, ill check imdb later to see if he got credit for it! From 3rd light post to shrub bush on entourage. rock on

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 5:59 pm

jtr wrote: I've been busy planning my move up to the valley, up to the next step of my career, and believe it or not you drunk Neanderthals moving up in the social scene. .

So now you're blowing important Casting Directors?

Jess, if you've made even $1 as an actor, that's still more than the average Realtor® makes (yeah, including me, so GFYO)

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:01 pm

So how's it goin'? Getting any?

This tells you all you need to know,

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:19 pm

Cuda wrote:
jtr wrote: I've been busy planning my move up to the valley, up to the next step of my career, and believe it or not you drunk Neanderthals moving up in the social scene. .
So now you're blowing important Casting Directors?

Jess, if you've made even $1 as an actor, that's still more than the average Realtor® makes (yeah, including me, so GFYO)

So you went from being unemployed to being a realtor? At this point in time? I’m not sure that even qualifies as a lateral move.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:27 pm

no shit. if I'd fed the $$$ I've spent playing Realtor® the last 2 years into a fucking slot machine, I'd probably be way ahead