The New Deputy

[Rootbeer]

It came to my attention recently that this forum has begun to suck at a level beyond what has formerly been considered acceptable. I'm here to help you all turn it around.

I've been out of the bulletin board game for a few years. I bring a different perspective than many of you. Many of the frequent posters on this board have been boiled like frogs (slowly) in the lame murky waters of the one board. I have not. That's why I'm here. Hopefully some of the quality posters from the past will follow.

I'm looking to increase the quality of posts on this board. This will be done primarily with two approaches.
I will inspire better contributions by posting quality takes and smack.
I will belittle those who suck.

Disclaimers:
1. I was brought in under contract so I'm not going anywhere for a while. Get used to it.
2. I will be mean to you. The best thing you can do is smack back.

Posting Advice:
This board is named Cul de Smack. It is a smack forum. If you want to discuss politics, we have a forum for that. If you want to run political smack, this is the forum for that.
If you want to post stupid links without commenting on the content of that link, we have a trash forum for that. If you want to run smack or generally comment on the link, this is the forum for that.
Do not simply throw out a news story and wait for other people to comment. If all you have to offer is a link or a news clip, post it straight into TROTS, The Stink Tank, DJ Jiffypop, etc and save me the time. Comment -preferrably with smack- on the youtube clip, news story, or picture lest your thread be categorized as crap and filed accordingly.
Smack, by nature is brutal, crude, and personal. Chances are you will get punked on an occasion. Think of this as preseason smack camp. It is an epic opportunity for you to entertain me by not sucking. Make The Frosty One proud!

I'll open the floor to questions.

[Mikey]

You forgot to RACK the Trolls.

[Goober McTuber]

Where's Broken Stable?

[Rootbeer]

Mikey, you are correct. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one from the old Troll guard who still does Troll activities. Racking the Trolls feels so much like Racking myself that I sometimes forget how important that statement is. Not that I'm opposed to self-gloss, mind you. It's just that self gratification is a leading cause of blindness especially in young men.


Goober, Staple is now a figment of your imagination. You should still Rack Broken Staple as often as is appropriate for the good kharma but don't look for a comeback of any kind. Broken Staple ran his course and is permanently retired.

*pours one out for da Staplah*

[Felix]

dude, you suck.......sayin

[Jay in Phoenix]

Goober, Staple is now a figment of your imagination. You should still Rack Broken Staple as often as is appropriate for the good kharma but don't look for a comeback of any kind. Broken Staple ran his course and is permanently retired.

*pours one out for da Staplah*

Yeah yeah yeah, that's all well and good, but surely Index is sniffin' around somewhere.

[Rootbeer]

You talking to me, Felix?
That's some scathing, albeit poorly grammaticized, smack from a guy who thinks Felix the cat and a photoshopped horse equals entertainment.

Your opinion is hereby summarily dismissed for lack of supporting evidence and an overwhelming track record of weak posts, limpwristed takes, and critical ineptitude.

[Trollfessor]

Yeah yeah yeah, that's all well and good, but surely Index is sniffin' around somewhere.

Wouldn't that be special?

[Sirfindafold]

who gives a fuck?

[Dinsdale]

Did you bring refreshments?

[Rootbeer]

Yeah yeah yeah, that's all well and good, but surely Index is sniffin' around somewhere.

Good to see ya, Jay, my old Smackoff opponent.
I heard Index and Beantown Basher formed a bipartisan coalition to identify and extricate the spirit of Broken Staple from his physical prison. I wish both of them the best of luck - and a coronary.

who gives a fuck?

Who and what are you referring to? When you miss the first reply in a thread your tired old worn-out schtick becomes a bit of a non sequitur doesn't it? That's really kinda sad because it used to be funny back when Dinsdale had hair and Bobby42 could still get an erection without popsicle sticks and duct tape. Tell ya what, dafold. Next week I'll PM you before I post a new thread about church. Then you can come in right on time (don't even read the thread) and fire off your banal catch phrase to the prodigious entertainment of everyone who with the grace of God has come to post on this board at that moment when your genius finally solidifies after seven years of practice and thousands of trials. It's going to be epic so don't Munson it up.

[Felix]

You talking to me, Felix?
That's some scathing, albeit poorly grammaticized, smack from a guy who thinks Felix the cat and a photoshopped horse equals entertainment.

good one....

you rawk.....

[Jay in Phoenix]

Good to see ya, Jay, my old Smackoff opponent.
I heard Index and Beantown Basher formed a bipartisan coalition to identify and extricate the spirit of Broken Staple from his physical prison. I wish both of them the best of luck - and a coronary.

Ahhh, so it is the real Rootbeer! Yeah, I remember that Smackoff round. I also remember the result was....

Jay in Phoenix, Smackoff Champion 2000

...or something like that.

Welcome back Rootbeer.

[Rootbeer]

Yeah you suck, Jay. The judging was rigged. You bribed snackblob and Miss Conduct with twinkies and corned beef. I know what really happened.

Yes it's the real Rootbeer but don't tell anybody.

[Jay in Phoenix]

Now waiiit a minute Rooty, get the facts right. The judging wasn't so much rigged per se, as it was influenced. Hey, ya' slip a guy a nice fin every now and then, magic happens. And to the contrary, Miss Conduct was influenced by a pack of Ho-Ho's, an open-faced roast beef sammich and a douche full of rootbeer.

That's how you clean up the competition.

p.s....you're secret is safe. :wink: I would never tell.

[velocet]

The smackoff where Jay and Mr. 'Beer squared off ended with Canibus Skilla as the last smacker standing. Jay prolly won the one before that. Pretty funny that Jay in Phoenix would post like once a month at TNW and ignore SC entirely until Smackoff time.


Oh and for those not familiar with Mr. 'Beer, good for you. You get to learn firsthand what a legend posts like.






velocet

[Mister Bushice]

You get to learn firsthand what a legend posts like.

That's been said about:

Biggie,
Nishlord,

and several others.

I can't wait.

[Rootbeer]

Yup, yup, yup, velocet, that's exactly the way it worked. Jay would post at TNW and elba while lurking at SC gathering information on potential smackoff opponents. He'd collect personal information, posting trends and weaknesses, and snack cakes. Then in the fall he'd bribe, cheat, and steal his way to the final brackets. The only reason he didn't win in 2000 is because the media decided it was time for a black champion. Just like the NFL this year. TWO black coaches making it into the superbowl? Come on already. Don't tell me that wasn't rigged.
The year Euroclone won the US was trying to solidify its relationship with Great Britain. Coincidence? Heck no. It's all in the hands of the Illuminati and their puppets the Skull & Bones society. Don't even bother to ask Jay about it all. He'll deny everything because he's part of it. I probably shouldn't have told you even this much but the world needs to know. Power to the people, brother.

[Rootbeer]

We've seen the same post by you or one of your cadry of monotonous circle-jerkers about 300 times since this board was formed.

My cadre of circle-jerkers represent the most entertaining group of posters these boards have ever known. If you don't believe us, just ask us. We'll tell you the truth. Our smack is the tightest and most entertaining ever conceived. If you don't believe us, just ask us. We'll tell you the truth. Honestly. If any of my cadre have ceased posting here it is because the board has changed and they don't like the changes. I, on the other hand, am under contract so I'm not going anywhere for a while.

I'm sure there are plenty of people in real life who would rather remove their own appendix with a dirty spork than spend two minutes in your presence.

I'm sure there are. Mostly they're people who owe me money and people who are so far below me on an intellectual scale that they recluse themselves from my wit and witticisms. Honestly, can you blame them? When you can't compete on my level, you join the JV team and buy tickets to sit in the stands at my league. That's the way life works. Some people are better than others. The 20% at the bottom know their role and if they forget I remind them.

What drives you to increase that list to include just about every other person who reads this board?

In real life, you mean? I try to defuse any and all notions of personal meetings with the freaks and losers on these boards. It's a self-preservation technique. Who knows what kind of diseases you dregs are carrying.

You remind me of the fat kid in high school with pudgy, double jointed fingers who, while intelligent, reeked of body odor and couldn't have had gotten laid if he was carrying $5,000 in small bills in a crack house with filled with $5 hookers in need of a fix. You know, the type of guy who absolutely ruled at Dungeons and Dragons, at least according to himself and the six other people in high school who could stand to be with him and/or to play pretend games with other disgusting people. You are probably one of those guys who knew everything about baseball statistics, but could only get on base in a real game if the pitcher decided to plunk you in the ass just to watch you cry. It wasn't like you were ever going to score or anything. It always amazed me how such individuals would coalesce together, like the acne boils on their cheeks, and form a tight-knit group that was noteworthy only for how widely ignored and insignficant they were to the rest of the world.

Dear god and g0d that went on longer than a string wrapped around the world, my grandpa's ear lobes and all of Pelé's hair combined-metaphorically.
I appreciate the effort though. Put that type of work into all of your posts and you might become known as more than a simple-minded dolt on the internet. Only on the internet of course. In real life I'm sure you have nothing to prove. Your mattress is stuffed with rolled Benjamins, the ladies are queued up outside your bedroom door, the wine flows like rain in a gutter, and your friends are taking applications from their friends to become one of your friends. Yes in real life you're the cat's pajamas, the bee's knees, and the apple of your mother's eye. Which explains why you're so interested in everyone else's personal life. You're not covering for anything at all. Nope you're the shizz nizzle on the street for realz. :felix:

Rock on in your imaginary kingdom, you insignificant, boring tard.

Ah there we have it at last. I knew we'd get there eventually. A post of this uhhh..."magnitude" must by some supernatural internet law contain the word "tard". It's a literary inevitability on these boards and the right of all who carry extra chromosomes.

Someone really needs to build the definitive smackchat dictionary just so we can have a concise definition of the word "tard". No other word in all trolldom is used so recklessly and improperly. It's been used in so many connotations that it's lost any sense of meaning. Unfortunately it's the true tards that destroyed the word tard through overuse and improper application. Dismantling the word tard could almost be called a self-defense mechanism but I don't think they're that smart. Better to be lucky than good sometimes, right 88?

[Atomic Punk]

Rootqueer is going to lay the smack down. So watch out!!!!!

[Jay in Phoenix]

Yup, yup, yup, velocet, that's exactly the way it worked. Jay would post at TNW and elba while lurking at SC gathering information on potential smackoff opponents. He'd collect personal information, posting trends and weaknesses, and snack cakes. Then in the fall he'd bribe, cheat, and steal his way to the final brackets. The only reason he didn't win in 2000 is because the media decided it was time for a black champion. Just like the NFL this year. TWO black coaches making it into the superbowl? Come on already. Don't tell me that wasn't rigged.

:sniff-wipestearfromeye:

...misty, water-color memorieeeeees...

Now, now Rootbeer, while that stroll down mammory lane was all misty and shit, some facts must be breathed back into light. The whole lurking in the shadows thing is true, but please, please, I never was an Elban. That Isle of Misfits from the original S.C. was a little to secret-clubish for my tastes. I think I drew the line at the reverse-poodle grip handshake they all fancied. Plus, they never offered snacky cakes, so fuck 'em. Fuck 'em right in the ear.

velocet might be right about the result ending with canibus. So it was either the one right before or after that. I took down ML@Coyote (barely) in the final. And it wasn't any bribe or cheat. I simply had gotten my hands on ML's diary, he went into a seizure and he pretty much shat himself to death after Doc Crookfinger pulled "the plug" on his life support. Poor ML, what a way to go. Shit.

The year Euroclone won the US was trying to solidify its relationship with Great Britain. Coincidence? Heck no. It's all in the hands of the Illuminati and their puppets the Skull & Bones society. Don't even bother to ask Jay about it all. He'll deny everything because he's part of it. I probably shouldn't have told you even this much but the world needs to know. Power to the people, brother.

cue the X-Files theme

Skull and Crossbones? Secret cadres? Illuminous Puppeteering? Stuff and nonsense.

Oh look, fudge!---------------------------------------->

<-------------------------------slinks away unseen.

[Felix]

I can't wait.

me neither......

[Cuda]

just for the record, 88 is BANNED at Hostboard & has been for a long time

[Goober McTuber]

We've seen the same post by you or one of your cadry of monotonous circle-jerkers about 300 times since this board was formed.

My cadre of circle-jerkers represent the most entertaining group of posters these boards have ever known. If you don't believe us, just ask us. We'll tell you the truth. Our smack is the tightest and most entertaining ever conceived. If you don't believe us, just ask us. We'll tell you the truth. Honestly. If any of my cadre have ceased posting here it is because the board has changed and they don't like the changes. I, on the other hand, am under contract so I'm not going anywhere for a while.

I'm sure there are plenty of people in real life who would rather remove their own appendix with a dirty spork than spend two minutes in your presence.

I'm sure there are. Mostly they're people who owe me money and people who are so far below me on an intellectual scale that they recluse themselves from my wit and witticisms. Honestly, can you blame them? When you can't compete on my level, you join the JV team and buy tickets to sit in the stands at my league. That's the way life works. Some people are better than others. The 20% at the bottom know their role and if they forget I remind them.

What drives you to increase that list to include just about every other person who reads this board?

In real life, you mean? I try to defuse any and all notions of personal meetings with the freaks and losers on these boards. It's a self-preservation technique. Who knows what kind of diseases you dregs are carrying.

You remind me of the fat kid in high school with pudgy, double jointed fingers who, while intelligent, reeked of body odor and couldn't have had gotten laid if he was carrying $5,000 in small bills in a crack house with filled with $5 hookers in need of a fix. You know, the type of guy who absolutely ruled at Dungeons and Dragons, at least according to himself and the six other people in high school who could stand to be with him and/or to play pretend games with other disgusting people. You are probably one of those guys who knew everything about baseball statistics, but could only get on base in a real game if the pitcher decided to plunk you in the ass just to watch you cry. It wasn't like you were ever going to score or anything. It always amazed me how such individuals would coalesce together, like the acne boils on their cheeks, and form a tight-knit group that was noteworthy only for how widely ignored and insignficant they were to the rest of the world.

Dear god and g0d that went on longer than a string wrapped around the world, my grandpa's ear lobes and all of Pelé's hair combined-metaphorically.
I appreciate the effort though. Put that type of work into all of your posts and you might become known as more than a simple-minded dolt on the internet. Only on the internet of course. In real life I'm sure you have nothing to prove. Your mattress is stuffed with rolled Benjamins, the ladies are queued up outside your bedroom door, the wine flows like rain in a gutter, and your friends are taking applications from their friends to become one of your friends. Yes in real life you're the cat's pajamas, the bee's knees, and the apple of your mother's eye. Which explains why you're so interested in everyone else's personal life. You're not covering for anything at all. Nope you're the shizz nizzle on the street for realz. :felix:

Rock on in your imaginary kingdom, you insignificant, boring tard.

Ah there we have it at last. I knew we'd get there eventually. A post of this uhhh..."magnitude" must by some supernatural internet law contain the word "tard". It's a literary inevitability on these boards and the right of all who carry extra chromosomes.

Someone really needs to build the definitive smackchat dictionary just so we can have a concise definition of the word "tard". No other word in all trolldom is used so recklessly and improperly. It's been used in so many connotations that it's lost any sense of meaning. Unfortunately it's the true tards that destroyed the word tard through overuse and improper application. Dismantling the word tard could almost be called a self-defense mechanism but I don't think they're that smart. Better to be lucky than good sometimes, right 88?

Why don’t you stuff a #8 square-headed deck screw up your ass and call it a day.

[Rootbeer]

just for the record, 88 is BANNED at Hostboard & has been for a long time

Why is that? Does his viciously experimental, wildly sexual, incredibly wealthy personal life intimidate you? I mean, dude's got friends. You know that, right? People like him. They like him a lot. And they want you to like him. So why on earth did dude get banned? Doesn't make sense, Cuda.

[Cuda]

He's banned because he's a chronic complainer

[Rootbeer]

Why don’t you stuff a #8 square-headed deck screw up your ass and call it a day.

Are you so busy crafting that epic single sentence that you couldn't spare two seconds to pare down the size of that quote?

[Rootbeer]

He's banned because he's a chronic complainer

Complaining non gratis para hostbard? Que?

[Goober McTuber]

Why don’t you stuff a #8 square-headed deck screw up your ass and call it a day.

Are you so busy crafting that epic single sentence that you couldn't spare two seconds to pare down the size of that quote?

Hard to decide which parts of your world-class smack to cut out.

At least it was a compound sentence.

[Cuda]

He's banned because he's a chronic complainer

Complaining non gratis para hostbard? Que?

Complaining about Hostboard is not allowed. I learned allI know about m0Dding from Jokey

Besides, 1Quick finally got the servers upgraded so there's nothing valid to complain about there

[Rootbeer]

m0Dding

RIP theventonline

[Cicatrix]

You remind me of the fat kid in high school with pudgy, double jointed fingers who, while intelligent, reeked of body odor and couldn't have had gotten laid if he was carrying $5,000 in small bills in a crack house with filled with $5 hookers in need of a fix. You know, the type of guy who absolutely ruled at Dungeons and Dragons,

If you are going to attack Jess then do it to his face and not some ambush driveby in another thread.

Manners children, manners.

[velocet]

The smackoff in question was fall '00 and ML@ wasn't even around. Mr. 'Beer also went against Frag who at that time was going by Lobo Troll since his FRAGNBASTICH nic was banned over the "let's meet in person and throw down" dust up with inkydave. Jay's final blast at Mr. 'Beer was story smack with a bizarre ending, something about taking off his mask to reveal that he, Jay, was in fact Rootbeer.

That SO also had an interesting difference in that the Trolls were part of it as a corporate entry. Trollahtolla was matched against a homosmacker from Team Nutsack (not sure if it was Beantown Basher or VALVENIS; if it was the former I can only imagine he was shitting bricks from flashbacks at that prospect). Trollahtolla... what an amazing poster. Sure his .gifs were stuff of legend but his utter supremacy should be understood from the strategic angle. One can ascend to world class smacker status by consistently taking down opponents via attacking weaknesses. Sound policy always, that surely is. But Trollahtolla attacked the strength of his prey, if there was one.

Oh and lest I forget, one Dinsdale_Pirhana showed up for that SO as well. I'll leave it to him to divulge how he fared.





velocet

[Rootbeer]

↑ See that's why velocet doesn't post much. He's too busy remembering stuff.

[Mister Bushice]

I'll open the floor...

Make sure Tardowen is properly positioned, and that the noose is snug before you go and do that.

[Jay in Phoenix]

The smackoff in question was fall '00 and ML@ wasn't even around. Mr. 'Beer also went against Frag who at that time was going by Lobo Troll since his FRAGNBASTICH nic was banned over the "let's meet in person and throw down" dust up with inkydave. Jay's final blast at Mr. 'Beer was story smack with a bizarre ending, something about taking off his mask to reveal that he, Jay, was in fact Rootbeer.

Holy crap velo, that is a good call. I had forgotten about how my round with Rootbeer even went. Now I 'members. The "event" that I won against ML was most certainly before that, right at the tail end of '01 or first of '02. Keep in mind I had no choice but to go with 'story-smack' against the Frosty One, as he was essentially off my radar. A complete unknown (then) opponent. Too bad you don't recall the smack-off with ML, Catfish, Luther and co. All story smack and some really creative and funny stuff.

That SO also had an interesting difference in that the Trolls were part of it as a corporate entry. Trollahtolla was matched against a homosmacker from Team Nutsack (not sure if it was Beantown Basher or VALVENIS; if it was the former I can only imagine he was shitting bricks from flashbacks at that prospect). Trollahtolla... what an amazing poster. Sure his .gifs were stuff of legend but his utter supremacy should be understood from the strategic angle. One can ascend to world class smacker status by consistently taking down opponents via attacking weaknesses. Sound policy always, that surely is. But Trollahtolla attacked the strength of his prey, if there was one.

Oh and lest I forget, one Dinsdale_Pirhana showed up for that SO as well. I'll leave it to him to divulge how he fared.

Yes indeed, Dins-Pir did show up. As to the outcome? .....Dins?

[Dinsdale]

You guys have me confused with someone else.

Fo' real. Fall of '00 would be just before my time.

If there was someone posting under that nic, and it's not just a figment of your old-fuck minds, it was somebody else.

Weren't me.

[War Wagon]

I was brought in under contract so I'm not going anywhere for a while.

Here's hoping it's a day to day "contract". Whoever hired you should be demanding a full refund of the signing bonus, and immediately place you on waivers.

Watching Jay and velo stroll down memory lane whilst extolling the virtues of past smackoffs is tedious. If that's the best that you can elicit, I'll pass.

In other words, get lost. Again. You've kind of stalled the traffic up in this bitch today.

Move along folks, nothing to see here.

[Tom In VA]

Aww c'mon Wags this is a great day. It's been a great walk down memory lane, even if some of the memories are cloudy as dirty bong water.

[Mister Bushice]

Aww c'mon Tom, whitey is having a bad day. These guys at work were playing rock, wire, gum and somehow it all ended up in his ass.