[/align]My eyes look like this now. I almost died on the crapper a few minutes ago. I don't know what is going on with my crapper system. 6 months ago I complained to my doc that I get diarrhea too often, that I find myself taking Imodium at least once a week. Doc thought it was one of my medications doing it to me...maybe Zocor, which I take to keep my cholesterol nice and low.
But 2 weeks ago, things started to change. I wasn't going everyday, and when I dropped a log, it was hard, like when I was a kid. Then it got bigger and harder the last few times, until today when I sat on the porcelain and almost died.
I had taken 3 stool softeners last night as I was saying to myself, "Luth old boy, you haven't shit in 2 days and this is probably going to cause you some pain."
I sat there and no action for 20 minutes. Then over the course of the next ten minutes I'm in pain...part in and part out. I'm breathing like a mother giving birth. My wife worked until 1 AM, so she was still sleeping. I'm thinking I'm in trouble. My eyes popped out of my head and hit the wash rack. I've got my right hand gripping the door jamb, and my left pulling back on the cabinet. The pain is intense. I remember my buddy Mafer telling me the time he went through this. Guess he had his wife quickly drive up to the pharmacist and he had some mixture concoction involving prune juice, other ingredients and it was heated up. Guess it produced quick results. But I didn't have the recipe. I needed a solution, like NOW.
I decide to force it with all the fucking strength I have left. I know it will cause even more pain. It took about a full, shitforcing effort for about 60 seconds. It worked. I sat there on the seat like JTR does after polishing his knob. Veins popping out of my temples, my eyeballs. I've got huge indentations in my hands from gripping all the furniture and doors around me. Sweat is poring off my dome. I'm breathing like a fat kid running the last few yards of a one mile race.
I won't tell you the size of that turd and my plunger segment. That isn't the issue. I got off the seat, and laid on the cool floor for fifteen minutes. I was totally spent, mang.
I don't know if it is because I'm getting old...All I know is I DO NOT WANT THIS EVER AGAIN. I'm going up to Fred's in a little bit and I'm going to buy every freaking constipation medication they have. I don't care what it is. I will eat it, smoke it, mainline it, anything to make this stop.
My butt is so stretched out now that if I sky dived nude, I'd whistle like a bottle on the way down. Yep, I almost died on the crapper today.
Thanks for letting me rant. I will pray this never happens to you. Eat more salads, more rabbit food, and by God, drink more water.
Rip City
So I told her the story. She apologized for laughing so hard when I was done. We went over my diet and maybe I changed doing something. Well for one, I stopped eating my normal raisen bran or grape nuts in the morning. Stopped eating fruit too. So I had a bowl of cereal with a banana, and I'm going back to eating more stuff that will keep me free flowing.
Toilets can be the cause or location of many injuries and deaths
