Welcome to the 2018 Fall Classic
T1B Golden Yote Awards
Well, well, well. Time to close things out again. Yes, I’m your mangy, flea-bitten, sanctimonious, pompous, self-indulgent, and long-winded host…ML. I stand here at your service, with my nails clipped and my yellow teeth brushed, ready to hand out this year’s awards to the best of the best for the past month or so here at T1B.
First, let me say what a great honor it is to be your host. It was either this or watch a recorded episode of Murder She Wrote with my wife on the family room sofa. I’m going to try to present this year’s awards one at a time. Please try to keep your applause to a minimum so we can get this ceremony over with as quickly as possible. I know you all have more important things to be doing than reading inane posts on a smack message board.
I will hand out the awards in no particular order. So, don’t be getting all puffy-chested proud of yourself if you’re the first, or feel bad because you’re the last. And if your name isn’t called, don’t be offended. Our three judges, Bert, Henry, Claude, have done their very best under the circumstances. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy rustling up these fine gentlemen to judge the awards. I’ve learned that for some reason, no one wants to be a judge these days.
Our three distinguished, judges, Bert, Henry, and Claude
So, without further ado, let’s present the awards. If your name is called, please raise your hand, and my worthy assistant, Holic, will bring your trophy to you. There will be no acceptance speeches or opportunities for any of you to take the stage and usurp my authority. Just sit and relax. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. Do you remember that show?
The Yote Award for Best Troller…
…goes to none other than Softball Bat, the dubious man of God who never met a preposterous word in the Bible he didn’t take literally. Only a trolling super-genius like SB could’ve conceived of such an elegant and effective troll, claiming that the world isn’t round. “Imagine a giant beach ball,” he says. Ha, ha, ha, then he calls you a retard! Never in the history of T1B has anyone been more deserving of the best troller award. We love you dude, we really do!
Applause
The Yote Award for Best Comedy Team…
…goes to Goobs and Spray, the Laurel and Hardy of the Internet, the Martin and Lewis of all message boards. On and on they go! “You’re fat!” “Oh yeah, well you’re old.” “But you’re a liberal.” “But you’re a racist.” “But you’re a fag.” “But you’re really a fag.” “But you’re fat.” “But you’re old.” Ha, ha, who could ever lose interest in this clever exchange of insults? They jump from thread to thread like the professionals that they are. Hats off to both of you!
Applause
The Yote Award for a Level Head…
…goes to 88, whose rational and level-headed thought process knows no earthly bounds. He was so level-headed in college that he earned the nickname “Flat Top,” and is still called by the name to this day by his wife and children. Cool, calm, and calculated, he has no problem saying “tough shit” to the so-called needs of children living in poverty. In fact, he has no problem saying “tough shit” to anyone with a problem. If you’re an “otherwise good person” who gets addicted to heroin, and has an accidental pregnancy, and gets into a DUI related car crash, and kills a shopkeeper while holding up his store, don’t expect 88 to come running to your rescue. Want sympathy? Go to Mikey, for Christ’s sake. He loves that shit.
He earned the nickname “Flat Top”
Applause
The Yote Award for Worst Poster…
…goes to Screwy. Hands down. This would’ve been a close race between Screwy and Moving Sale, but Moving Sale was MIA for the duration of the competition, so the award goes to Screwy. I've never seen anyone so adept at turning every thread into a pissing match between conservatives and liberals. And his unsubstantiated statements are second to none. He's like the Wayne Gretzgy of bullshit. May the force be with you! Live long and prosper, Screwy!
Wait, what’s that? Okay, okay, I guess I am going over my allotted time. I can see Dinsdale in the back of the room running his finger across his throat and mouthing the words, “Enough is enough, you mangy idiot.” He's not one to mince words, you know.
Bear with me just a little while longer, and I’ll run through the rest of the awards. I promise this won't take long. There’s Mikey, who get’s the Yote Award for the Biggest Bleeding Heart in the History of California, and there’s Joe in PB, who gets the Yote Award for Poster Most Likely to Join the John Birch Society before the End of the Year, and there’s BSmack who gets the Yote Award for Poster Most Likely to Date a Hamster. Then there's Marty, the Smartest Poster (and the biggest smart ass), and there's Rooster for the Best Imitation of Ward Cleaver, and there's Jay. I can't say enough good things about Jay, And there's Smackie and his childlike trust in the Federal government. And there's locked and loaded Derron. And there's Lefty, a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, and there's MGO...Jeez, dude, lighten up.
:
Would you even guess this was Rooster?
Christ, I could go on and on. Like I said, don't feel bad if I didn't include you. I was in kind of a rush when I put this award show together. I'm trying to move on to my "work" in my "real life." I can't work and play on this message board simultaneously. I am not one of those people who can pat their head and rub their belly at the same time.
And just for the record, the world is round.
That's my final answer.
T1B Golden Yote Awards
Well, well, well. Time to close things out again. Yes, I’m your mangy, flea-bitten, sanctimonious, pompous, self-indulgent, and long-winded host…ML. I stand here at your service, with my nails clipped and my yellow teeth brushed, ready to hand out this year’s awards to the best of the best for the past month or so here at T1B.
First, let me say what a great honor it is to be your host. It was either this or watch a recorded episode of Murder She Wrote with my wife on the family room sofa. I’m going to try to present this year’s awards one at a time. Please try to keep your applause to a minimum so we can get this ceremony over with as quickly as possible. I know you all have more important things to be doing than reading inane posts on a smack message board.
I will hand out the awards in no particular order. So, don’t be getting all puffy-chested proud of yourself if you’re the first, or feel bad because you’re the last. And if your name isn’t called, don’t be offended. Our three judges, Bert, Henry, Claude, have done their very best under the circumstances. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy rustling up these fine gentlemen to judge the awards. I’ve learned that for some reason, no one wants to be a judge these days.
Our three distinguished, judges, Bert, Henry, and Claude
So, without further ado, let’s present the awards. If your name is called, please raise your hand, and my worthy assistant, Holic, will bring your trophy to you. There will be no acceptance speeches or opportunities for any of you to take the stage and usurp my authority. Just sit and relax. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. Do you remember that show?
The Yote Award for Best Troller…
…goes to none other than Softball Bat, the dubious man of God who never met a preposterous word in the Bible he didn’t take literally. Only a trolling super-genius like SB could’ve conceived of such an elegant and effective troll, claiming that the world isn’t round. “Imagine a giant beach ball,” he says. Ha, ha, ha, then he calls you a retard! Never in the history of T1B has anyone been more deserving of the best troller award. We love you dude, we really do!
Applause
The Yote Award for Best Comedy Team…
…goes to Goobs and Spray, the Laurel and Hardy of the Internet, the Martin and Lewis of all message boards. On and on they go! “You’re fat!” “Oh yeah, well you’re old.” “But you’re a liberal.” “But you’re a racist.” “But you’re a fag.” “But you’re really a fag.” “But you’re fat.” “But you’re old.” Ha, ha, who could ever lose interest in this clever exchange of insults? They jump from thread to thread like the professionals that they are. Hats off to both of you!
Applause
The Yote Award for a Level Head…
…goes to 88, whose rational and level-headed thought process knows no earthly bounds. He was so level-headed in college that he earned the nickname “Flat Top,” and is still called by the name to this day by his wife and children. Cool, calm, and calculated, he has no problem saying “tough shit” to the so-called needs of children living in poverty. In fact, he has no problem saying “tough shit” to anyone with a problem. If you’re an “otherwise good person” who gets addicted to heroin, and has an accidental pregnancy, and gets into a DUI related car crash, and kills a shopkeeper while holding up his store, don’t expect 88 to come running to your rescue. Want sympathy? Go to Mikey, for Christ’s sake. He loves that shit.
He earned the nickname “Flat Top”
Applause
The Yote Award for Worst Poster…
…goes to Screwy. Hands down. This would’ve been a close race between Screwy and Moving Sale, but Moving Sale was MIA for the duration of the competition, so the award goes to Screwy. I've never seen anyone so adept at turning every thread into a pissing match between conservatives and liberals. And his unsubstantiated statements are second to none. He's like the Wayne Gretzgy of bullshit. May the force be with you! Live long and prosper, Screwy!
Wait, what’s that? Okay, okay, I guess I am going over my allotted time. I can see Dinsdale in the back of the room running his finger across his throat and mouthing the words, “Enough is enough, you mangy idiot.” He's not one to mince words, you know.
Bear with me just a little while longer, and I’ll run through the rest of the awards. I promise this won't take long. There’s Mikey, who get’s the Yote Award for the Biggest Bleeding Heart in the History of California, and there’s Joe in PB, who gets the Yote Award for Poster Most Likely to Join the John Birch Society before the End of the Year, and there’s BSmack who gets the Yote Award for Poster Most Likely to Date a Hamster. Then there's Marty, the Smartest Poster (and the biggest smart ass), and there's Rooster for the Best Imitation of Ward Cleaver, and there's Jay. I can't say enough good things about Jay, And there's Smackie and his childlike trust in the Federal government. And there's locked and loaded Derron. And there's Lefty, a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, and there's MGO...Jeez, dude, lighten up.
: Would you even guess this was Rooster?
Christ, I could go on and on. Like I said, don't feel bad if I didn't include you. I was in kind of a rush when I put this award show together. I'm trying to move on to my "work" in my "real life." I can't work and play on this message board simultaneously. I am not one of those people who can pat their head and rub their belly at the same time.
And just for the record, the world is round.
That's my final answer.
