Excerpt from Jim Edmonds autobiography

[Screw_Michigan]

This is a chain letter I got from a friend, but unlike the other shit chain letters you get, this is actually pretty fucking funny.

EXCLUSIVE! JIM EDMONDS BIOGRAPHY!

Dudes, I have some pretty awesome news! I don't know if you guys heard
about this, but last year when Jim Edmonds was out of baseball he
started working on his tell-all autobiography. By the divine grace of
God, I actually came into a few chapters of this thing, and it is
eye-opening, to say the least. I'll try and transcribe a few pages
whenever I get a chance. Here's an enlightening bit:


"July 1995

Southern California in the Summer of '95 was just about the best God
damn place to be in the whole country. We were 10 games up on those
shits from Seattle and I swear to Christ himself that the tits on
every woman get about twice as big when you're sitting on top of a
division. You also have free range to grab ahold of about every God
damned one of them too, and I just couldn't keep my hands to myself
that summer. I was in the middle of my best season yet, crushing
homers and destroying poon tang at a pace I hadn't acheived since I
was a Senior in high school. Things were looking great for ol' Jimmy
Ballgame. I felt like a God damned pornstar.

Most of my teammates stayed focused on the division race, and we
pretty much had every other team by the nutsack at this point. To put
it bluntly, we were as many games up as inches my dick is, and none of
us for a second thought we would lose that raging boner of a lead. As
for your's truely, I was a little more concerned with my game of
'200s' that I had going on with Timmy Salmon. Basically, we added our
runs scored and chicks banged during the course of a season to a grand
total, with the first to 200 crowned as the champ. It was all in good
fun but both of us took it pretty damn seriously. As I've said before
in this book, Timmy is an absolute hell of a good dude, and night in
and night out he pushed me to some amazing acheivements on and off the
field, and I will never forget that. We had a Gentleman's Agreement to
be honest and open about our fucking when playing 200s, but as with
anything of this nature there were gonna be some gray areas here and
there. When something questionable would come up (a rogue handjob, a
ball girl screw, etc.) we would always turn to the sage wisdom of
Chili Davis. Dude was fair and honorable, a totally underrated ball
player and apparently a totally incredible scorer. He was a pretty
modest dude but I heard through the grapevine that he once banged 2
different mother/daughter combos in one night in a hotel room during
spring training, and I would definitely believe that. Simply put, both
Chili and Salmon are both first ballot-ers in my Hall of Solid Dudes,
and that is not something that I take lightly.

Now, there was one day in particular that month that really stands
out. We had a Sunday afternoon game, and as usual, the stench of pussy
and whiskey in the dugout was damn near overwhelming. Not many of us
bothered to shower all weekend, and by Sunday it was pretty ripe. We
were playing the Athletics, and I swear that at least half of that
team were faggots, but I'm not gonna say who since that's not my
style. Anyway, Salmon begged and pleaded for the day off, and the
skipper actually gave it to him. I found this to be pretty strange
since after Saturday night's game we were in an absolute dead heat in
200s. Then ol' Salmon tries to claim that he needs 3 "runs" added to
his total. I told him to get the fuck out of here, but then he says
that he fucked a Tongan woman, and since that's so rare, he should get
2 extra tallies. Shit, I didn't even know what a Tongan was! We
consulted Chili, and sure enough, he said that Tongan pussy is worth
3, and who was I to argue? Well, I was pretty peeved most of the game,
and through 8 innings I was 0-4 to boot. Then I come up in the 9th
inning, bases juiced, and what do you know, I send one over the fence
to win the baseball game AND to give myself the lead in 200s. That's
just how my luck was going that summer.

I never did mention this to Timmy, but if I could have chosen between
hitting that game winning grand slam or getting that Tongan pussy, I
think I may have to choose the Tongan. Although I still can't say I
know what a Tongan is exactly."

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

I'm not reading all that.

[Smackie Chan]

RACK Edmonds! Always liked him as a ballplayer; had one of the great follow-throughs on his swing, and was nails on defense. Dude apparently knew how to score, too - both on and off the field.

[Screw_Michigan]

I'm not reading all that.

You wish you were able to read all that.

[Screw_Michigan]

RACK Edmonds! Always liked him as a ballplayer; had one of the great follow-throughs on his swing, and was nails on defense. Dude apparently knew how to score, too - both on and off the field.

I heard he was a pretty big red ass but I was a fan of him as well.

This line is the best:

Southern California in the Summer of '95 was just about the best God
damn place to be in the whole country. We were 10 games up on those
shits from Seattle and I swear to Christ himself that the tits on
every woman get about twice as big when you're sitting on top of a
division.

[ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2]

And no doubt he was one of the best OFs ever.

:?

Defensive outfielders... or outfielders?

[LTS TRN 2]

Great fielder for a relatively slow guy. But...no Hall.

[The Seer]

I guess one reason Tongan pussy is so highly rated is that you are one angry relative or tongan boyfriend away from death....

[ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2]

I started to say defensive OFs and then felt it wasn't necessary.

You're an SEC fan, which means you have a tendency to speak in superlatives. You must qualify all of your takes. Sorry, dude.

[Trampis]

Tongan pussy is overrated, sincerely Tiger Woods.