Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

It's the 19th Anniversary for T1B - Fuckin' A

Moderator: Jesus H Christ

Post Reply
User avatar
HighPlainsGrifter
Elwood
Posts: 997
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2023 8:10 pm

Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by HighPlainsGrifter »

My daughter in college had an event so we went to the Big City to watch her perform. Afterwards we wanted some warm food and hit up KFC. I haven't been to a Kentucky Fried Chicken in probably 10 years. When did they start serving french fries? And pot pies?? Duuude I need pot pie in my life! Of course, they were out of pot pie so I got a 3pc white. Wife got a Famous Bowl. Daughter got chicken strips. And to share: a family sized chocolate chip cake.

The girl taking our order was high as fuk and forgot half our food. After three trips to the counter we had everything but the cake. She promised to get it warmed up real quick. Five minutes later she brings us a frozen cake.

Using some specialized techniques developed through years of digging frozen soil I managed to carve two chunks of frozen cake without breaking the shitty plastic spork.

An already disappointing visit to Colonel Sanders' place went full retard when we tasted the cake. Now, let me be clear; I'm no cake snob. I've had shitty sweets many, many times. I've tasted every abortion of "pastry" Little Debbie has slathered in icing. I eat on the road 2 meals a day. I can tell you the expiration date on most Hostess products by blind taste test. I'm a fukken connoisseur of cheapass junk food. This KFC dessert is beyond the pale. Simply mind-bendingly awful. First, it's brown but it ain't chocolate. The icing is worse than oreo filling mixed with the crunchy glaze on a Hostess fruit pie. It's spongy and glaringly, aggressively sweet. It has no redeeming features. None.

We put the lid on the $5.99 bundt of shit and took it home. My daughter and I resolved to fix it. So here we go.
Image

Step one is getting rid of the crunchy icing that tastes like pure sugar. No hint of vanilla or almond, not even the courtesy of some artificial butter flavoring. Just sugar water dried to a crisp. It's completely awful. And now... it gone.
Image

With the cake properly deconstructed into its salvageable components and looking like freshy cooked dog food we can rebuild it. Step one: Add chocolate. It was born to be a chocolate cake and just because its parents abandoned it at the truck stop doesn't mean it can't fulfill its destiny.
Image

Melted semi-sweet chocolate chips in the microwave and thinned them down with whole cream until thin enough to absorb into the cake. If you want measurements for this slurry I have bad news for you. Using this bundt of sadness to play cornhole would be an improvement so I'm not real worried about getting it wrong.
Image

If this looks like a still shot from one of those creeper videos where a guy hides a camera in a port-a-potty at a construction site you might have a point. The title of this video, "Taco Bell's Revenge."
Image

Even though chocolate glazed asshole is terrifying just remember where we started.
Mikey's glazed ass during an oil field house party. wrote: Image
I was baking potatoes and every so often I'd put the cake in for five minutes and warm it up. Seems to have the desired effect. The chocolate sauce absorbed nicely while still leaving some for drizzle. Taste tested and we are on our way to an edible edifice. The semi sweet chocolate did its job and added a nice bitterness. Time to cut that bitterness.
Image

I made this icing on the fly but it was so good I wrote it down. 4oz soft butter, 1.5tsp vanilla extract(homemade if ya got it), 2c powdered sugar, 6oz soft cream cheese, 2tbs pinot grigio. Blend until all graininess dissolves and you're left with something approximating belgian buttercream. Add wine as needed for texture.
Image

Before you give me crap about plating, "Side dishes get served on paper!" as Goose from .net would say.
Image

This is good. Like, really, really good. Yes, it's now a $15 cake but at least it's worth eating. Sorry the pic is sideways but bottom line is I don't like most of you well enough to fix it.





Executive Summary: I'd you're going to KFC, plan on doing half the work yourself.
Kierland

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Kierland »

Just more proof you have the brain capacity of packing peanuts. Do you also eat paste? If so it would answer a lot of questions.
User avatar
Mikey
Carbon Neutral since 1955
Posts: 29904
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 6:06 pm
Location: Paradise

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Mikey »

Just one question…

Why?

This is KFC. What were you expecting?

OK I guess that’s two questions. Feel free to answer them in any order.
User avatar
Biggie
The Great Illuminator
Posts: 1327
Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2005 10:36 pm
Location: The Town

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Biggie »

This thread should be in Mikey’s Cooking Forum.
Kierland

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Kierland »

Low value poster likes low value post. Film at 11.
User avatar
Mikey
Carbon Neutral since 1955
Posts: 29904
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 6:06 pm
Location: Paradise

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Mikey »

Biggie wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 5:04 am This thread should be in Mikey’s Cooking Forum.
I would agree, but nobody goes there.
User avatar
Roach
The Space Man
Posts: 1244
Joined: Sun Jan 16, 2005 2:44 am

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Roach »

HPG I share your angst with fukkin' FKC. Why just this week, I was trapped in traffic on the way home and they were the only decent option. Mind you this is the First KFC ever, opened in 195x with Col. Sanders and some local eatery guy. A veritable shrine to chicken eaters. SO it ought to be good right? First of all the place is a homeless camp crossroads and filthy as Irie's kitchen.. Dog shit at the doorway. I should have run.

I order a 4 piece box, two breasts, two drum sticks and pay extra. Add a three piece fingers box. Mashed and gravy for all sides. Verify order with meth head e-tard at POS. Reminded pox faced kid to give me honey mustard.

ALLWAYS fucking look at the food before you leave a place. I violated a key rule here. Got it home one breast and three tiny wings. Corn and slaw no tatters. The first "finger" was tough as hell like I imagine Bette Middler's vulva might be. And to top that, the 2nd finger had a big black hair in it. Jesus christ I said.

I wanted to go shoot the place up by my heater calmed me down. I wouldn't really do that of course, but godamn.


HPG why did you rescue that cake shaped object?

:homer:


PS replacing FKC is RaisingCanes, 180 opposite KFC. Some good shit.

https://www.raisingcanes.com/home
User avatar
HighPlainsGrifter
Elwood
Posts: 997
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2023 8:10 pm

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by HighPlainsGrifter »

Mikey wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 4:42 am Just one question…

Why?

This is KFC. What were you expecting?

OK I guess that’s two questions. Feel free to answer them in any order.
The first question is easy to answer. Why? Because options are limited at 9pm. I said "Big City" and you probably pictured something like Austin, Texas or even Wichita, Kansas. Yeah, no. Take Buckeye, Arizona, kick all the Mexicans out, plunk it in the middle of Nebraska and have all the shops close at sundown. At 9pm our choices were KFC or Wendy's.

Image

Question 2: What did I expect? Prior to this visit my most recent memory of KFC predated TikTok, most smart phones, the opioid crisis, legalized marijuana, Urea in diesel engines, and Jsc's 7th surgery. I carried fond memories of a clean store, happy employees, competent food preparation, and warm greasy food that will sit like a brick on my stomach all night and turn into a morning turd that's more similar to decomposing food than digested food.

What I got was a tiny human from the TikTok generation high as balls gradually remembering how to do her job as my order slowly resolved in real time. Now I have a new memory to carry with me. Next time I need warm food at 9pm in this food hellscape I call home, I'll get the Wendy's chili.
Kierland

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Kierland »

Had to bring up Mexicans for some reason. You couldn’t find a town we know with a similar population? How stupid are you hillbilly?

And yes going to Wendy’s will solve the problem. It’s like sideshow Bob and rakes.
User avatar
Sudden Sam
Official T1B Gigolo
Posts: 2831
Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2022 5:38 pm

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Sudden Sam »

Offended by everything!!!

You have to be the moron who came up with LatinX…which offends everyone of Hispanic descent.
Kierland

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Kierland »

Yes I’m offended he (and you) are so fucking stupid. I have no idea what LatinX is, sounds like Spanish Twitter.
User avatar
HighPlainsGrifter
Elwood
Posts: 997
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2023 8:10 pm

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by HighPlainsGrifter »

Biggie wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 5:04 am This thread should be in Mikey’s Cooking Forum.
You serious?

I didn't realize the standards for "cooking" were so low at Mikey's. I haven't contributed a PET in those hallowed halls because I don't have access to fancy assed tackle like Eurasian flat beans and raddiochinnis or whatever that smug asshole is bringing home from the farmer's market.
Image
Known colloquially as willy discs as I'm sure you're aware, lovey.
With such low expectations from the locals I'll be sure to share my next ball park hot dog with canned chili. Not to worry, I'll get the lighting just right on the cheez wiz.
User avatar
Mikey
Carbon Neutral since 1955
Posts: 29904
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 6:06 pm
Location: Paradise

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Mikey »

HighPlainsGrifter wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 8:11 pm
Biggie wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 5:04 am This thread should be in Mikey’s Cooking Forum.
You serious?

I didn't realize the standards for "cooking" were so low at Mikey's. I haven't contributed a PET in those hallowed halls because I don't have access to fancy assed tackle like Eurasian flat beans and raddiochinnis or whatever that smug asshole is bringing home from the farmer's market.
Image
Known colloquially as willy discs as I'm sure you're aware, lovey.
With such low expectations from the locals I'll be sure to share my next ball park hot dog with canned chili. Not to worry, I'll get the lighting just right on the cheez wiz.
Anything involving food or drink is OK. Like I already told you (short memory apparently or just too damn stupid) even dead cattle with blood and stuff.
User avatar
HighPlainsGrifter
Elwood
Posts: 997
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2023 8:10 pm

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by HighPlainsGrifter »

Mikey wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 9:39 pm Like I already told you (short memory apparently...
Who are you calling short, you nazimysogynisnowflake! Wipe your yellow ass wtih a white flagism and picnix with literalhitlerists, you sonofamago...err wait. Shit. Wrong login.
User avatar
Mikey
Carbon Neutral since 1955
Posts: 29904
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 6:06 pm
Location: Paradise

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Mikey »

lol. You outed yourself.
User avatar
HighPlainsGrifter
Elwood
Posts: 997
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2023 8:10 pm

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by HighPlainsGrifter »

Dammit. Guess I should retire that other nic and that's okay. It ran its course a long time ago.
User avatar
The Seer
Just the Facts
Posts: 5678
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2005 5:28 pm
Location: Maricopa County

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by The Seer »

HighPlainsGrifter wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 1:57 amImage
Reminds me of a saying we have on the golf course. You've hit your drive on the par 5 OB, shank the 2nd shot, bad bounce on approach into bunker, two to get out, and then you sink a 30 footer for the snowman....Whipped cream on dogshit.
E UNUM PLURIBUS
Kierland

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by Kierland »

HighPlainsGrifter wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 10:07 pm
Mikey wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 9:39 pm Like I already told you (short memory apparently...
Who are you calling short, you nazimysogynisnowflake! Wipe your yellow ass wtih a white flagism and picnix with literalhitlerists, you sonofamago...err wait. Shit. Wrong login.
Is there ever any moment of any day your aren’t thinking about me?
User avatar
StrawMan
Elwood
Posts: 270
Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2023 5:13 pm

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by StrawMan »

Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup
And here I had high hopes that you'd fixed kcdave's "Black Lives Platter - Get Digestin' While Protestin'" meme.
User avatar
mvscal
Blank
Posts: 12086
Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 4:14 am

Re: Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup

Post by mvscal »

Looks almost like a poke cake. Similar in concept.
Screw_Michigan wrote: Fri Apr 05, 2019 4:39 pmUnlike you tards, I actually have functioning tastebuds and a refined pallet.
Post Reply