T1B

by Uncle Fester
Copyright 2006, all rights reserved

Last night, I played Soul Caliber II with my son. I achieved total ownage with Astaroth, but he kicked my ass with Yoshimitsu.

Later, I watched the "Deadliest Catch" season finale and some of the NBA Finals.

Much later, I had a glass of wine and after extensive channel surfing, settled in for a little soccer, Brazil vs. Upper Volta I think it was. The match started at 1:00 a.m.

The players kicked the ball back and forth.

A couple of guys were actually skillful enough to 1) play the ball onside and 2) elude an army of guys trying to kick their legs out, only to have their "shots on goal" sail 40 feet above the goalposts.

At 1:05, I went to bed.

Do you fellers mind if I have LK-Pick do the rest of the soccer updates?

Sportingly Yours,

UF, Not Reporting Live

Keep hassling those Mods, Fester, and I'm sure they'll create that 'Empty, Pointless Lives' forum one day.

Nahhh, don't need that when we have a soccer forum.

You're sure taking a lot of interest in something you're not interested in, Fester.

Let's just agree that you don't like football, and I don't like sucking my dad's cock whilst the family dog licks crushed Doritos from my arse cheeks, accept we have different opinions and move on.

Thanks, Todd.

Some men are born to greatness, others have soccer thrust upon them, or in Nish's case, have men thrust within them.

I didn't request this gig, but I'll do my best to report on the ball-jugglin' action and earn the 30-pack of Hamm's that PSUFAN promised me.

DATELINE THURSDAY, JUNE 15:

I watched the two-hour season finale of the The Ultimate Fighter 3.

Winners were Ed Herman, tagged the "Ginger Ninja" by the Englishster crowd for his red hair, and Mike Bisping, a genuinely tough lad from Liverpool, England.

Who'd a thunk a guy from England (of all places) could do anything in the realm of sports beyond clutching his ankle and rolling around in mock agony in front of drunken soccer hooligans?

At 1:00 a.m. (primetime for soccer fans) and after a delicious glass of blended red wine, I clicked on the tube to check out the soccer. I think it was Sweden vs. Burkina Faso or maybe the North Pole, and the score was 0-0 (natch).

The players kicked the ball back and forth, sometimes kicking it completely across to the other side of the field. I'm not sure why, because it didn't seem to change anything. I thought how much better the game would have been with these guys on the field:



At the slightest sign of trouble, the lads would kick the ball back 50 yards to their own goalie, "to be safe" I guess. The crowd whistled and the goalie punted the ball away in disgust, where it was jumbled around in the middle for a bit and was then kicked harmlessly back to the goalie again by his own team.

I couldn't take it, so I switched channels and found a lacrosse game on ESPN2. It featured the Long Island Lizards vs. the Rochester Rattlers (seriously) and while pondering the overall gayosity of it, the announcers said one of the players was named "Bryce QUEENER" (I'm not kidding). It was an awful spectacle to behold, almost as bad as watching the flopping Swedish soccer players, but I soldiered on. At least they allowed the players to beat each other about the head and face with sticks, I thought to myself.

After a quick check around the dial to see if any old re-runs of the Beverly Hillbillies were airing...


-I checked back on the soccer game. A Swedish player had somehow managed to get within 100 yards of the opposing goal, so he was immediately kicked to the ground.

The ref pulled out his card and a "free kick" was ordered. The ball was placed on the ground and a human pyramid of 18 soccer players was erected in front of it. The announcers excitedly called this "the wall." The player took the free kick, which hit the human wall of course, knocking down the headpins but leaving a 7-10 split. The crowd writhed in ecstacy.

It was now 1:09 a.m. and the excitement was too much for me so I went to bed.

-U.F. reporting live from the World Cup

C-

Toddowen wrote:This thread makes me proud to be a suicidal pedophile.

Fixed.

Btw, Fester ...

You do realize Europe is ahead of us by ~ 7 hours.

The Cup's not being played in Japan and Korea like 4 years ago where the games were held tomorrow. Everything's done by 4 p.m. CDT. Plenty of time for reflection and pontification even while popping open the first shiny can of Hamms and stuff.

socal wrote:C-

As if YOU could do better.

Rack Fester and his 7-10 split.

A+

Uncle Fester wrote: The ref pulled out his card and a "free kick" was ordered. The ball was placed on the ground and a human pyramid of 18 soccer players was erected in front of it. The announcers excitedly called this "the wall." The player took the free kick, which hit the human wall of course, knocking down the headpins but leaving a 7-10 split. The crowd writhed in ecstacy.

-U.F. reporting live from the World Cup

A free kick human pyramid reset without mention of the blatant self junk grabbing that always accompanies it?

you slipping, old man. I'll just chalk it up to the blended wine, late hour and subject matter.

Human soccer walls and junk grabbing go hand in hand...

I mean mentioning it is redundant.

There is nothing more unmanly in all of sports than the sight of a soccer player, eyes shut, teeth clenched, nuts in hand, one knee raised, waiting to be blasted with a soccer ball. Couldn't they just turn their backs to the kicker and accomplish the same thing?

I think the asset they're really protecting is on their hind end. I once posted a photo on the internet of my skid marks, you know.

I disagree. Soccer players are used to blasts to the ass.

C'mon, Fester...we're only halfway through. This is no time to let your game slip.

Uncle Fester wrote: Couldn't they just turn their backs to the kicker and accomplish the same thing?

Whenever one of those blokes turns his back to a "kicker" he's expecting something different.

Here in the states we have the terms pitchers and catchers. I guess across the pond they're kickers and what? goalies?

smackaholic wrote:

Uncle Fester wrote: Couldn't they just turn their backs to the kicker and accomplish the same thing?

Whenever one of those blokes turns his back to a "kicker" he's expecting something different.

Yep. The guys who turn their backs to the kicker ... well, there aren't many.