T1B

Seeing Drummer's thread in the Main Street forum had me thinking that the PGA Championship will be held in Tusla in 2007, and there is a strong possibility I will be able to go, through ticket connections my company likely will obtain. There is also a chance I may have an opportunity to see another PGA event between now and then.

So I was wondering, when Drunken/Idiotic Golf Spectator is near me at one of these events, what is the best strategy to employ? Of course, I'm not referring to relatively quiet, minding-his-own-business-for-the-most-part, Drunken Golf Spectator who simply enjoys his beers while staggering around the course trying to maintain his bearings by keeping a wandering low-eye on the location of the nearest Johnny On The Spot, oh no: I'm referring to obnoxious, loud Drunken Golf Spectator who insists on screaming "Giten' da Hole!!!" when players are teeing off at par 4s and par 5s.

Should I:

A. Take action immediately for the good of those around me and simply start beating the fuck out of loud, obnoxious Drunken Golf Spectator?

B. Ignore him, have another beer and hope a player or caddie will hit him over the head with a driver?

C. Learn how to imitate him and throw my voice so that someone else thinks it's him and beat the ever living fuck out of him?

I'll take my answer off the air. TIA

D. Have another Beer and just report him to the PGA Gestapo...they'll handle it from there.

picture said Dude being taken down by an army of E-Z Go's and walkie talkies.

makes that $7 beer taste a bit sweeter.

If it were me, here's what I'd do.

First off you're going to need to learn how to imitate the sound of a camera clicking. I know this is work, but trust me your practice will pay off. You've got some time, so just take any camera and take blank photo after blank photo to familiarize/copy the sound.

Before proceeding to the tournament stop by the nearest grocery store and pick up four of five of those disposable cameras. Anytime you encounter one of those drunken idiots, just have him follow you to wherever it is that Tiger is on the course.

Now, here's where your camera mimicking practice is going to pay off. As you and your new found friend watch Tiger tee off, you have to remember that timing here is critical. As Tiger prepares to hit, you simply ask your new friend to hold one of your disposable cameras. As Tiger reaches the apex of his swing, you simply throw out one of your camera clicking imitations. When Woods goes ballistic, you step back and point at the drunk that was stupid enough to trust you uttering "here's the guy, he did it" at which time Steve Williams will come over and kick his ass.

Watching a clueless drunken "golf fan" get an on course beating is always good for a few laughs.

rack the cat

Don't listen to Felix. You don't need to be caught smuggling disposable cameras into the course. On the other hand, cameras are allowed on for practice rounds, and I strongly recommend that you snag at least 1 ducat for a practice round. They're about half the price of a single day tournament pass and you can take pictures and get autographs during the round from players.

I had a chance to see the PGA Championship in Rochester a few years ago. I think you'll find the atmosphere of a major tournament will help to chill Drunken/Idiotic Golf Spectator down some. Also, the fact that you will be in Tulsa, in mid August, on a golf course will have a nice deterrent effect. Drunken/Idiotic Golf Spectator will likely be Drunken/Idiotic Passed Out From Heatstroke Golf Spectator after about 9 holes worth of getting Moellered in 100+ degree heat.

But, let's assume that the august nature of a major and the 100+ degree heat don't slow down your drunken bystander. In that case, I'd take Qbert's advice. The PGA has rules and security officials all over the course. If there is someone who is seriously detracting from your ability to peacefully enjoy watching the best players in the game go at it, they'll be happy to correct said idiot's attitude.