Yard duties

Luther · Post by **Luther** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 6:01 pm

I'm kind of sick...a nice British Airways cold, I'm jetlagged to all hell and the last thing I needed to hear was, "Luth, I've decided to have a gathering for Lil Luth's graduation, so the yard has to be in great shape."

The lawn grew like the rain forest while I was gone for 3 weeks, so now I'll have to just take my Jacques Penne riding lawnmower named Bob out for a spin. So I go out beneath the deck and the battery is dead. No problemo, I grab my battery charger and hook it up. The grass is still too wet to mow, so I head on down to Ace Hardware for some more goodies.

I grab the Ace Hardware version of the Weed and Feed with one of those $9 mail in rebates. I hate doing all that mail in shit, but I grab the coupon and throw the bag in the cart. I just hope I get the rebate check before I die.

Fresh gas in the cans, and a brand new jug of Round-up and I'm ready to start. Since I put in that new yard drainage system last year, I had to really stay on top of the weeds so they don't plug the damn thing up. I've got a big yard...but this is the first time I've ever used a full jug (32 oz) of Roundup.

Once the weeds are dead then I'll weed wack them...then order up about 5 yards of topsoil. Once all that is moved around I might order some rock as I get tired of seeing my bark dust blowing away in the winter winds.

As for the graduation gala, I anticipate Mrs. Luth will buy a bunch of flower plantings, a few more Tiki Torches, and probably ask me what we should provide for grub. If I had my old gas Weber, then it would be no problem, but last year we bought one of those charcoal briquette Webers that has the gas starter. Charcoal just doesn't last over the course of an afternoon.

I wish Fester was my neighbor as I'm sure he has one of those dirt moving mini-machines like they have around the golf course. Maybe hire Van and Bushice to play some guitar and sing some springtime songs...then cap the evening with Mr. Dinsdale. I would have everyone gather around the maple tree in the backyard, and just let Dins go and recant some Oregon stories of alcohol, drugs, sex, vandalism and maybe even a few tidbits about micro-brain surgery and surely about Fusion princples.

But right now, Mrs. Luth is a little disgusted with my suggestion that we just hold the gig down at Clackamette Park where there are plenty of picnic tables and trash cans.

I have about 6 weeks to pull this off. If I don't BBQ, would you suggest I just order up a bunch of ribs etc. from Buster's ? Oh, and I don't want ElvisMonster, DMike or whatever showing up and bothering a bunch of 18 year old girls.

I still have my Glock.

Rip City

DiT · Post by **DiT** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 6:08 pm

any 18 yr old boys available :twisted:

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:15 pm

^^Ok...I'm sure that was a joke, but that was just creepy.

Taint · Post by **Taint** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:25 pm

Word, 18 is way too old.

- NAMBLA in Seattle

RadioFan · Post by **RadioFan** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:34 pm

Some wind chimes would be nice for atmosphere at either location.

-- m2

How many 18-year-olds are going to be chowing down at your place, Luth? It's not like you can't add charcoal to the fire.

'Course, if it were me, I'd do bratwurst in advance and have them simmering in a big pot of beer, butter and onions by the time the menagerie arrives, then kick back with my leftover beer, which there ALWAYS is -- that's one of the reasons for cooking brats to begin with. If Fester was your neighbor, I'm pretty sure he'd already have you on the program and you wouldn't be faced with this dilemma.

If you don't want to grill, catored/take out barbecue or Mexican would be the way to go. Either work when you need to set up a chow line. "Brisket? There's the trough. Buns? Over there." Same thing with mexican. "You want a taco? Shells are there. A burrito? Tortillas over there." You'll just need some Sterno and some of those disposable foil pans if you get it to go.

Shoalzie · Post by **Shoalzie** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:38 pm

diT wrote:any 18 yr old boys available :twisted:

mothster · Post by **mothster** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:49 pm

judas priest luth, hire some messicans

Wolfman · Post by **Wolfman** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:53 pm

^^^^

that's what I was going to say--
I went away last June for 3 weeks (rainy season)
and my yard was like a hay field--
next time I contract out to the guys that
do my neighbor's yard !

Mississippi Neck · Post by **Mississippi Neck** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:43 pm

Given that my entire hunting grounds are a pile of twisted dead trees, dirt, and various items of flotsam and jetsam come to rest miles inland (Thanks Katrina)...I can bring no venison to the festivities.

However, the bass are spawning on Lake Conroe (my temporary permanent home) and the fishing's fine. I'll show you how to grill some bass and catfish, and we'll break out the deep fryer for the bream. In?

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:52 pm

mothster wrote:judas priest luth, hire some messicans

You can get busted for that now.

mothster · Post by **mothster** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 9:09 pm

Mikey wrote:
mothster wrote:judas priest luth, hire some messicans
You can get busted for that now.

bwhahha

up there they must be 'legal'

Luther · Post by **Luther** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 9:40 pm

It took me 2 1/2 hours to mow my lawn with a rider. Normally it takes just 30-40 minutes, but the grass was pretty high. In the time it took to do it I had to rake about half the grass.

Tomorrow will be weed and feed day. By next week I will be weed wacking. If I only put a couple of hours in each day, I'll have this thing ready.

That Bratwurst idea sounds good...I'll be PM'ing you for more details on that one soon. I did them once, but I left them too long in the beer/water and they got a little "logged up." The bad deal with teenagers is that you'll never know when they will arrive, but when they do they are like locusts, and all you're left with are napkins. Beer and maybe a little wine/whiskey for the participating parents. This group isn't much into partying...

Maybe I could make it a theme party...wear Lacrosse gear and Irie could gather DNA samples. Maybe get some dancers...then after my divorce, I could live in a van and post from the local library.

Rip City

RadioFan · Post by **RadioFan** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 9:51 pm

Luther wrote:I did them once, but I left them too long in the beer/water ...

Water? Sacrilege.

Fester is going to have to have a long talk with you, elder.

I'll be happy to help, in any way I can. Btw, after an hour or so, the kids can try to drink the brine, but they aren't getting drunk, unless it's on saturated fat.

Sorry Luth, you'll have to excuse me for about 2.5 hours. I mowed my own lawn earlier, made some killer dip in the oven and the Spurs are about to play Game 1, first round.

Ooot

smackaholic · Post by **smackaholic** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 11:52 pm

Luther wrote: The lawn grew like the rain forest ....

uhh, actually, you do live in a rain forest, don't you?

chowd103 · Post by **chowd103** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 3:35 am

Awww shit...Ace fuckin Hardware fucking sucks!
I hit that place because it's less than a 5 min. ride from my house. Always a line....always short old ladies making conversation, asking if they're a 'CLUB MEMBER' as if saving 4 cents on a $17.00 purchace is like ........

holy fucking shit!!

I always tell 'em...."Yeah, I'm a club member, but I left my fuckin' card @ your older sister's house last night.

I'm all about helping out mom & pop but there aren't too many around anymore.

Mostly, I drive farther to the closest Lowes or Home Depot.

(sig?)^

Fuck Ace in the face!

Luther · Post by **Luther** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 3:41 pm

I agree with you Chowd, but sometimes paying a few pennies more is a benefit. Ace is right up the street, I know where pretty much everything is, and I can get in and out in only a few minutes.

If I go to Lowes or Home Depot, it takes me 10 minutes longer to drive, about a 3 minute walk into the store from the parking lot/Tianamen square, spend half an hour trying to find the aisle with the shit you want, and then you find yourself grabbing stuff you know you'll need sometime in your life...solar walkway lights, chainsaw, tiki torches, deck carpet, cordless drill, 2 ton jack, 50 gallon drum of Roundup Super Napalm strength, padded flower toilet seat, John Deere riding lawnmower, and pretty soon your Visa receipt is $3, 181.99.

Rip City

P.S. I got up early this morning while the dew was still on my freshly mowed lawn. I grabbed my bag of Ace Hardware Weed and Feed and used my broadcast spreader to treat my lawn. The W and F looked pretty decent, as I prefer those colorful round pellets of whatever chemical it is over the puffy flaked stuff you can buy. Plus, after you spend an hour filling out the rebate form, you get $9 back from Ace, on or within one year or 2 strokes of your 85th birthday.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:00 pm

Luther wrote:then cap the evening with Mr. Dinsdale.

At first, I thought you said "cap Dinsdale."

If that's going to be the finale of the evening's entertainment, let me know...I'll pass on some names that would be willing to probably pay a pretty decent sum for admission to watch. If I gotta go, you might as well make some cash out of the deal.

But really, I'm flattered you would invite me to be around a bunch of nubile 18 year old chicks.

HORRIBLE judgement on your part, but I'm flattered, nonetheless.

18 is a little too young, though. I thought 21 was a little too young anymore...but I found out that the girl I was tossing MAD mojo on last night was 21...I thought she was a little older. Didn't really matter though, since she was THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE HISTORY OF THE FREAKING UNIVERSE. Ukrainian. Been here a while, and actually spoke fairly good English, which is a refreshing change from most of what we call the "Eastern Bloc Parties."

Turns out Hottest Chick In The History Of The Universe wasn't quite as single as I thought. Oh well, the groundwork was laid for the future. At my age, I can play the "goodwill two years down the road" game.

Did I mention she was the hottest chick in the history of Ever?

Well, only if you like them very thin, very hardbodied, and staggeringly gorgeous. If you don't like them that way, then she wasn't for you.

Otherwise, on the 1-10 scale, she was somewhere a between 11 and the low-teens.

As she bent over, I did notice a very fine layer of hair on her lower back...NOT THAT I WAS WATCHING HER BEND OVER, OR ANYTHING. I would NEVER do anything like that. But I did happen to notice the very fine, and I'll assume very soft layer of backhair. When I saw it, I thought "BOOYAH! We have something in common! She'll be really impressed when she sees the back-hair crop I've got growing!"

While aging may indeed suck, it ain't nearly as bad as some people make it out to be. All these years under my belt have just given me more time to hone my game for when I encounter THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.

What were we talking about again?

Oh...bbqs.

You need to get yourself a Traeger, Luth.

http://www.traegergrills.com/traeger.htm

Most of the qualities of a smoker-que, but with the ease of push-button operation. A U&L original, matter of fact.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:06 pm

smackaholic wrote:you do live in a rain forest, don't you?

Oooh! Oooh! I can field this one!

No.

Rainforests immediately to the east and west, though.

Luther · Post by **Luther** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:18 pm

I hit that link, but unfortunately there are problems with that webpage/server. I'll try later though. What I could read was that it was a "PELLET" BBQ. I use a pellet stove in my downstairs where I pretty much vegetate at.

I am seriously going to check that out. I haven't heard of anyone using one before, but obviously you have. Have you seen one in operation...have you ate anything off of that grill?

My neighbor has one of those natural gas BBQ's, and I think he purchased it at the PGE store in SE. Burns probably not as hot, but he's hooked up and he hasn't seen Abdul down at the Gas Station/Propane place in years. I'm just not sold on that system yet, even though he's a retired plumber and has offered to run the gas line/hookup for me.

One negative about pellets and or charcoal is that you do have to clean the ashes all the time. I use a 5 gallon shop vac with a bag filter for my livingroom pellet stove, so it isn't that bad. For my BBQ, I have to drop the pan and the dust manages to get everywhere and I end up looking like Linus.

Rip City

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:27 pm

One of my bestest, oldest buddies, who now lives right up the street, lives for his Traeger.

Enough to inspire you to throw away those stupid gas and charcoal units.

IMO - a true wood-burning barrel-style smoker-que indirect grill is the ultimate.

The Traeger is a much easier substitute.

It runs on pellets like a pellet stove, except they have different types of food-grade pellets. Since they're semi-local (Mt Angel), I doubt availability is ever going to be a problem.

In a nutshell, there's a box on the side of the grilling area. You fill the box with pellets. You then hit a switch, which starts an electric element to get the pellets burning. Once they're glowing, the element kicks off, and a fan blows the hot air/smoke into and around the grilling area. Indirect cooking at it's finest. Makes the absolute grubbinz.

Highly recommended for the frequent griller.

Atomic Punk · Post by **Atomic Punk** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 5:40 pm

Because Dins is right about something and that has to do with the proper deck square headed deck screws... when you old slags rally up and go out to a "hardware" store, where do you go and why?

I ask that out of curiosity because I hear the Lowes vs. Home Depot, Ace, Fresno Ag, OSH, etc. arguments frequently. I figure most of you have a favorite spot to hit up.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 6:59 pm

Dins, I was with you until I read about the layer of lower back hair. A hirsute mons venus is one thing...but if she's got a tangled thatch of grimy backhair, then you need to send this babuschka to the fucking waxshop, or back to the Volga with her, right pronto.

Jerkovich · Post by **Jerkovich** » Sun Apr 23, 2006 10:19 pm

PSUFAN wrote:Dins, I was with you until I read about the layer of lower back hair. A hirsute mons venus is one thing...but if she's got a tangled thatch of grimy backhair, then you need to send this babuschka to the fucking waxshop, or back to the Volga with her, right pronto.

No shit, the ‘hottest biatch in the history of the Universe’ would not have a thatched back nor would she be with a middle aged thunk like Dim.

Speaking of mowing the lawn, I laid down 2000 sq ft of sod in my back yard about three weeks ago and this shit is the fastest growing lawn I''ve ever wittnessed and needs to be mowed about every five days. Kids love it though.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:12 pm

Mississippi Neck wrote:However, the bass are spawning on Lake Conroe (my temporary permanent home) and the fishing's fine. I'll show you how to grill some bass and catfish

Bass and catfish? You really are a neck. Why don’t you just boil some fucking carp?

Bizzarofelice · Post by **Bizzarofelice** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:17 pm

Blackbeard wrote:Call me when someone starts a YARRRGH! duties thread

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:35 pm

Jerkovich wrote:
PSUFAN wrote:Dins, I was with you until I read about the layer of lower back hair. A hirsute mons venus is one thing...but if she's got a tangled thatch of grimy backhair, then you need to send this babuschka to the fucking waxshop, or back to the Volga with her, right pronto.
No shit, the ‘hottest biatch in the history of the Universe’ would not have a thatched back nor would she be with a middle aged thunk like Dim.

I believe I said it was actually a very fine layer of backhair...and for you comedically challenged (SUP JERKOVICH), you'll notice it was used to set up the "we have something in common" line...I know -- that was way over some of y'all's heads.

But Kevnic -- believe it or not, some of us are good-looking, witty, and charming enough that we don't have to shop for women by clicking banner ads that read "Hot, horny European women, waiting to meet YOU!"....oh, sorry -- I guess that was over some of y'all's (SUP JERKOVICH) heads.

But really -- just because pulling some fine is beyond the realm of possibility for YOU, it doesn't mean that applies to the rest of us...really.

What a great example of life imitating messageboard "art" -- Kevnic is a whiner who doesn't get it, and doesn't understand the concept that others do.

Microcosm, indeed.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:47 pm

Let's make no mistake here -- bitch is about one bottle of Nair away from being in Victoria's Secret ads.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:55 pm

Shit...I was actually enjoying the idea of shaving her back on the banks of the Volga. I'm sure that Chernobyl has something to do with the backhair sprouting. I bet they have lots of hairy bitches there that are salvagable. I'll check this out, especially since my own mail-order bride has dispensed with the "niceties" of late, and I have to keep her restrained in the basement. Sex is out of the question, laundry duties, unlikely.

--Kevnic.ru

M2 · Post by M2 » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:55 pm

Dinsdale wrote:When I saw it, I thought "BOOYAH!

I was thinking the same thing...

Booya is Back!

m2

Jerkovich · Post by **Jerkovich** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 5:31 pm

Dinsdale wrote:
Jerkovich wrote:
PSUFAN wrote:Dins, I was with you until I read about the layer of lower back hair. A hirsute mons venus is one thing...but if she's got a tangled thatch of grimy backhair, then you need to send this babuschka to the fucking waxshop, or back to the Volga with her, right pronto.
No shit, the ‘hottest biatch in the history of the Universe’ would not have a thatched back nor would she be with a middle aged thunk like Dim.
I believe I said it was actually a very fine layer of backhair...and for you comedically challenged (SUP JERKOVICH), you'll notice it was used to set up the "we have something in common" line...I know -- that was way over some of y'all's heads.

But Kevnic -- believe it or not, some of us are good-looking, witty, and charming enough that we don't have to shop for women by clicking banner ads that read "Hot, horny European women, waiting to meet YOU!"....oh, sorry -- I guess that was over some of y'all's (SUP JERKOVICH) heads.

But really -- just because pulling some fine is beyond the realm of possibility for YOU, it doesn't mean that applies to the rest of us...really.

What a great example of life imitating messageboard "art" -- Kevnic is a whiner who doesn't get it, and doesn't understand the concept that others do.

Microcosm, indeed.

Where do you get mail order bride from this? (OV’s little note book) You're the one with the hirsute from the eastern block. I, on the other hand met a hot, tall blond from Pacific Palisades who married me and gave me two beautiful children. We have a great marriage and doing it the right way.

Your 'comedic setup' was not over looked, just provided fodder for us that laugh at you, not with you. You are nothing more then a self absorbed slob with a life that is lived vicariously through this board. The microcosm only exists in your delusional little mind where the ‘hottest little hirsute in the universe’ resides.

Yep, my 'pulling fine strange' days are over, but I don't miss them.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 5:36 pm

Jerkovich wrote:You are nothing more then a self absorbed slob with a life that is lived vicariously through this board..... The microcosm only exists in your delusional little mind

Holy crap.

Bueller? Class? Anyone?

You truly aren't very bright, are you kev?

chowd103 · Post by **chowd103** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:33 pm

Side note to AP's coment about Dinsey being right about the deck screws.

I went out and bought those square-headed bastards and drove in about 15 of em in before I got fed up with them falling from my drill.

Finished my walkway yesterday.

Thanks for the heads up, but you & AP can take those fuckers and whip 'em at eachother.

I guess it's all a matter of preference.

Dins owes me dinner.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 12:09 am

chowd103 wrote:I went out and bought those square-headed bastards and drove in about 15 of em in before I got fed up with them falling from my drill.

Oh, dear.

Do you REALLY think that a phillips is less likely to fall off a bit than a square drive?

Really?

Of course, if I knew you were coordination-challenged, I would have also recommended that you pony up the few extra bucks for the doohickey-thingy that magnetizes tools...not that you can't do the same thing with like say....a refridgerator magnet, but they sell a doodad to magnetize tools for people who are too feeble to be able to keep a square drive on the bit.

Freaking rookies......

Jerkovich · Post by **Jerkovich** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:04 am

chowd103 wrote:Side note to AP's coment about Dinsey being right about the deck screws.

I went out and bought those square-headed bastards and drove in about 15 of em in before I got fed up with them falling from my drill.

Finished my walkway yesterday.

Thanks for the heads up, but you & AP can take those fuckers and whip 'em at eachother.

I guess it's all a matter of preference.

Dins owes me dinner.

No, he owes you a few boxes of Deckmate screws -w- Evercoat. Those bad boy will go down without a hitch and never----ever rust. Just make sure you use the anti-torque at around 6-7 setting, depending on how wet the wood is.

Don't listen to the experts .

Just us rookies with experience.

fucking know-it-alls

Dumb shit doesn't know how to screw....or screw.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:13 am

Jerkovich wrote:Deckmate screws -w- Evercoat.

You mean the ones that can be used with either an archaic phillips bit, OR a square drive (AKA "deck drive")?

Those Deckmates?

And if you buy wet wood...well, nevermind. Most of the decking I'm familiar with has been through a kiln. Generally isn't too wet after that.

But yeah...you're sounding very clever and brimming with knowledge and "experience" right now...really.

Atomic Punk · Post by **Atomic Punk** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 10:50 am

chowd, you aren't using a magnetic guide for those drill bit tips????

Also, the Deckmates come with special "corded" drill bits that look anodized blue that fit perfectly in the screw heads.

High torque and low speed should drive those coated bastards in as long as you aren't using the "hammer" setting.

Those square headed screws don't strip as easily as the Phillips. Anyway... Toddowen reminds me of a certain Vent poster from years back now that I think of it. That was good trolling back then.

Jerkovich · Post by **Jerkovich** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 12:12 pm

Dinsdale wrote:
Jerkovich wrote:Deckmate screws -w- Evercoat.
You mean the ones that can be used with either an archaic phillips bit, OR a square drive (AKA "deck drive")?

Those Deckmates?

And if you buy wet wood...well, nevermind. Most of the decking I'm familiar with has been through a kiln. Generally isn't too wet after that.

But yeah...you're sounding very clever and brimming with knowledge and "experience" right now...really.

Oh ya, that wood is really dry

Holly crap, I don’t know what super special lumber yard your hanging around, but the shit I've seen in the last few year makes me cringe. The worst part is Home Depot probable has the better selection, at least in these parts. I doesn’t take an expert to know shit wood when you see it. Besides, I’m just a weekend warrior not a Thermal Nuclear Brain Surgeon Climatologist Quantitative Molecular Structural and Social Engineer like most purport to be on this board; much less then a carpenter.
I have thrown a few boards together in my day with great results. Of course, from what I’ve seen, any Mexican with a third grade education can expect the same results. In other words, if this hasn’t gone over your thick dome, it doesn’t take a genius to pound wood.(sup dim)

Oh and btw, the 'super special' bit is included in the box of Deckmates. Sorry Dim, no decoder ring though.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 12:35 pm

mvscal wrote:
Dinsdale wrote:But I did happen to notice the very fine, and I'll assume very soft layer of backhair. When I saw it, I thought "BOOYAH!
OH, FUCK YEAH!!!! SCHWING!!!

RACK, btw

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 4:37 pm

Jerkovich wrote: Oh ya, that wood is really dry

Uhm...dry enough that a 2X4 shrinks to 1.5 X 3.5...so...yeah, it is.

And I agree -- unless you go to a top-notch lumber yard and pick and choose through the "premium grade" stack, modern lumber is pretty horrendous. I'll still take it over plastic decking, any day of the week, and twice on Fubudays.

Oh and btw, the 'super special' bit is included in the box of Deckmates.

So, what you're saying is : If I recommend a square-drive for decking screws, I don't know what I'm talking about, but your Gods of Deck Scews, Deckmate, recommend the same thing, and even include it with their product.

Clever.

Jerkovich · Post by **Jerkovich** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 3:45 am

mvscal wrote:
Dinsdale wrote:But I did happen to notice the very fine, and I'll assume very soft layer of backhair. When I saw it, I thought "BOOYAH!
OH, FUCK YEAH!!!! SCHWING!!!

YUMMIE!

T1B

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