"HEY YOU! BUY OUR GODDAMN PICKUP TRUCK!!"

[Van]

~apologies if this is glass dick material~

From Kissing Suzie Kolber.com

Hey, you! Football fan! You look like the kind of pureblood American that needs a fucking TRUCK! You look like the kind of guy that eats drill bits for breakfast and shits out hot rivets! You look like the kind of guy that spends his day covered in hot axle grease and likes to bang his wife without showering! You look like the kind of ideal, hard-working American that doesn’t actually exist!

Well, we’ve got a fucking pickup truck for you! And not just any truck, but the biggest fucking truck on Earth!

We took a 567,894 horsepower space shuttle engine and jammed it right into this thing’s assbasket. It’s got over 90,000 tons of towing capacity. You could tow fucking Mt. Ranier with this truck. Why? BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT. It’s also got over 45,000 pounds of torque. TOOOOORQUE! What’s that mean? We don’t know, but it sounds fucking BAD ASS.

This ain’t your daddy’s pickup truck. Your daddy is a fucking gash. This truck’s got a ground clearance of over fifteen feet. You could drive right over the Empire State Building, and its antennae wouldn’t even tickle this truck’s taint. It’s got seating for over 35 people. Because you fuck a lot. And when you fuck a lot, you make lots of hard-working little fuckbabies. And this is the right truck for making fuckbabies in.

It’s got over 20,000 square feet of surface area in its flatbed. Because we bet you spend most of your day hauling concrete pillars around. We bet you like to throw a flagpole in the back of this puppy, crack open a beer, and then sit on the tailgate looking out onto the open prairie with a determined grimace on your face. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU FUCKING ROLL IN IOWA. It gets .02 miles to the gallon. And you know why? BECAUSE SAVING MONEY ON GAS IS FOR COMMIE FAGGOTS.

We tested this truck, God dammit. We swung massive steel beams at it at precisely timed intervals. We dropped it from a blimp. We drove it really fucking fast over a salt flat and shot the footage from a helicopter, because that looks awesome on camera. We drove it down a boulder-laden shoreline. ROAR, BITCH!

Because you work hard. We bet you work over 78 hours a day. We bet you mine for copper using only your cock! We bet you end your day, when the whistle blows, by getting off the top of a dinosaur and sliding down his tail so you can drive home with Barney fucking Rubble! That’s why you need this truck. BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE TO FUCK AROUND.

So don’t listen to your wife about buying some pansy-ass station wagon. She’s a bitch who deserves a good, hard assfucking. By you! BUY OUR FUCKING TRUCK! WE OVERSTOCKED AND NOW WE HAD TO HIRE DENIS LEARY TO TRY AND SELL OFF AS MANY OF THESE GIANT FUCKING ALBATROSSES AS WE CAN!

(truck logo on some sort of steel plaque falls to ground)

TRUUUUUCK!

[Mikey]

Fuck that shit.

I already got one, with the off-road package.

[Shlomart Ben Yisrael]

Fuck that shit.

I already got one, with the off-road package.

I bet driving to the mall to stock up on Metamucil is a breeze.

[Mikey]

Fuck that shit.

I already got one, with the off-road package.

I bet driving to the mall to stock up on Metamucil is a breeze.

Fuck that shit.

I carry the mall with me, in the bed.

[War Wagon]

You look like the kind of ideal, hard-working American that doesn’t actually exist!

Look, we already know that Wags is going to spin into a flyover state boredom induced Americana meltdown over this line. The only question here is if he is going to do it before he masturbates to John Mellencamp records, or after.

Mellencamp?

puh-leese.

Dude has one, count 'em 1, good song. And that was the very first one that got airplay. Kinda' like The Police had one good song and that was their first.

Now if you had said Jackson Browne instead, you might have scored.

[Doug near DC]

I already have a 32 year old pickup truck.

[Diogenes]

You look like the kind of ideal, hard-working American that doesn’t actually exist!

Look, we already know that Wags is going to spin into a flyover state boredom induced Americana meltdown over this line. The only question here is if he is going to do it before he masturbates to John Mellencamp records, or after.

Mellencamp?

puh-leese.

Dude has one, count 'em 1, good song. And that was the very first one that got airplay. Kinda' like The Police had one good song and that was their first.

Now if you had said Jackson Browne instead, you might have scored.

Actually he has two. But they were before he thought he could take his name back. Sorry Mr. Cougar-once you sell out, you don't get to go back.


Either way, he's no Jackson Browne.