The Mrs Lecter story...the tragic ending

[OCmike]

This weekend I drove up to NoCal to visit my parents, accidentally leaving my alarm clock activated in the room I rent from Mrs. Lecter. Saturday morning at 7:30AM, Valerie called and left two messages. The first was her saying that she didn't know where I was, which was completely unacceptable. Evidently I'm required to check in and out with my roommate before going anywhere. :rollem: She then said in her message that if I didn't show up immediately to open the door and shut off the alarm that she would call a locksmith and add the cost to my rent.

*RRRRRRRRRRRRRRING*

Valerie: Hello?

Me: Hi Valerie, it's Mike.

Valerie: Yes?

Me: I totally apologize for leaving my alarm on.

Valerie: Well I already called a locksmith, so the alarm has been shut off.

Me: I have no problem paying for the cost of that.

Valerie: Do you have any idea how much torture you've put me through? Do you know what it does to me to have a sound like that blaring over and over and over again? Do you know the thoughts that run through my head when I can't stop a noise like that? I told you that such a thing activates uncontrollable crippling psychotic thoughts in my mind! And to make matters worse, you leave without telling me where you're going and I don't even have a way to get in contact with you!!!

Me: Uh, you're talking to me on my cell phone… I'd say we're "in contact", wouldn't you?

Valerie: Well…uh…I tried your other number that you gave me and it said it's been disconnected. I'm sure you gave me a wrong number on purpose. But to make matters worse, not only did you leave your alarm on, but you haven't even had the courtesy to apologize yet.

Me: Uh, that's the first thing I did when we started talking.

Valerie: Well apology NOT accepted.

Me: I guess that's your prerogative.

Valerie: How do you think I felt not having a way to get in that room?

Me: Sorry, but I have a right to have a lock on my door.

Valerie: YOU HAVE NO SUCH RIGHT! IT'S *MY* HOUSE!!!

Me: It might be your walls, floor and ceiling, but when you rented the room to me, the space in between became mine until I leave. For someone who claimed to be a paralegal at one point, you sure don't know crap about the law surrounding renting out an apartment.

Valerie: Yes, I *do* know about the law and I have the right to have a key to that room for just such an emergency.

Me: And you would have a key to the room if you weren't a psycho who advocating the killing of all white men and throwing all women with young children in the gas chamber.

Valerie: I never said that! You're taking things out of context!!!

Me: How could I take it out of context if you never said it.

Valerie: Uh...well...uh...That's not what I said and you know it.

Me: Oh, you want to play the chick game where if someone doesn't quote you verbatim then you claim you "didn't say that"? Fine. Did you say the words "young mothers", "children" and "gas chamber" in combination with one another.

Valerie: *silence*

Me: Well?

Valerie: This arrangement clearly isn't working out.

Me: Why, because I lobbed a mirror up in front of your face, froot loop?

Valerie: I am not a froot loop!

Me: Okay, okay. Let's go for something more technical then. Would you consider yourself clinically insane or legally insane?

Valerie: I don't have to listen to this!! I have rights!

Me: Yes, I know…the ADA. Aw, you're such a victim. Boo hoo. Let's all feel sorry for poor crazy Valerie the looney toon…or not.

Valerie: Well...well... I saw your room and it was a mess. There were a bunch of dirty clothes in the closet and the bed wasn't even made.

Me: Yeah, yeah. I'm really worried about what you think of my housekeeping habits. Listen, when I get back you will give me the key that the locksmith made for you.

Valerie: I will not!

Me: Then I'll put another lock on the door.

Valerie: You will do no such thing!!!

Me: Yes I wiiiiiiiiiilllll…

Valerie: No you won't!!!

Me: Not only will I slap a new lock on the door, but I'll keep doing so as long as you keep calling locksmiths. It costs me eight bucks for a new door lock. How much does it cost you for a locksmith? Oooooops!

Valerie: Well that's it. I refuse to live with someone so abusive.

Me: Fine, I'll be out by Monday.

Valerie: Oh, and by the way, my friend from MIT said you had no right to put a lock on the door.

Me: Really? My Dad has a PhD from UCLA and he says that you're a froot loop.

Valerie: Are you through? Is there anything else to say here, because I refuse to be threatened in this manner.

Me: Who's threatening you? I haven't threatened you.

Valerie: I'm talking about your alarm clock.

Me: You feel threatened by my…alarm clock?

Valerie: YES!!!

Me: And you're not completely out of your mind.

Valerie: No, I'm not. And I want you out of my house!

Me: You can't throw me out, I already said I'm leaving.

Valerie: Do you have anything else to say, because as far as I'm concerned this conversation is OVER.

Me: Yes, just one more thing….FROOT LOOP!

*click*

[smackaholic]

does she have nice titties?

[Charles De Mar]

Why does he keep writing these really shitty reads?

[Dinsdale]

5 years from now, the "Sin, Valerie" posts will flow like wine, I have a hunch.

[OCmike]

Getting kicked out of your apartment is a strange way of claiming bode.

I didn't get kicked out...I left. And I already found another place that's a 15-minute commute instead of a 5-minute commute. Somehow I think I'll survive.

Why does he keep writing these really shitty reads?

If you read my post aloud into a voice recorder and play it backwards, it says, "NEEFLSHUB...Charles...reeedomoop...read more...mookumpua...post never....skeerrrk!"

[smackaholic]

You should patch things up and stay. Then, in a few weeks do the same thing but leave her a few surprises to find when she goes in.

I'm thinking a couple of blow up dolls, and lots of the nastiest scat porn you can find.

[PSUFAN]

Why does he keep writing these really shitty reads?

a) because he can actually author a multi-line post (seems strange to you, I know)
b) because they're funny (seems strange to you, I know)
c) because RtS needs to know who to pray for
d) all of the above

[Charles De Mar]

Why does he keep writing these really shitty reads?

a) because he can actually author a multi-line post (seems strange to you, I know)
b) because they're funny (seems strange to you, I know)
c) because RtS needs to know who to pray for
d) all of the above

One can tell you're not very good at test taking....

[Goober McTuber]

It’s painfully obvious, Chuckles, that you have a piss-poor sense of humor. Shouldn’t you be enjoying you readmittance to .net right about now? I’m sure those Frenchies think you’re a regular Jerry Lewis.

BTW, RACK OCmike.

[Charles De Mar]

BTW, RACK OCmike.

Of course you did.

There's nothing funny or interesting about what OC dork wrote.

[LTS TRN 2]

Oh, quit your tedious yapping and just marry the bitch! It's clearly a match meant to be--or you wouldn't be so obsessed with her. You're in love with a nutjob, and this is proper, since you're a bent wingnut as well. It'll be a little like Sweeney Todd, except instead of killing strangers, she'll lure them in, slip 'em a mickey, and you can blow them in their narcoleptic haze. Ss get on with it already and stop boring us with the foreplay.

[Cuda]

Getting kicked out of your apartment is a strange way of claiming bode.

Since when is a rented room considered an apartment, imo?


I'd say Valerie got both bode, AND a free alarm clock

[OCmike]

I'd say Valerie got both bode, AND a free alarm clock

Free alarm clock?? You've lost me there, chief. It left with me.

How did Valerie get bode?

She was so paranoid about getting her apt. key and parking pass back that I held them for ransom and made her pay me back the rent that I'd paid for the remainder of the month AND she had to fork out the $$ for a locksmith.

Add to that, I'm moving into a room in a sweet house with some dude from Kenya who works at NASA and some Messican guy who is an engineer at CISCO. Oh, and neither of them have any ambitions about killing me along with every other white man or tossing mothers and their toddlers in the gas chamber. Uh, bode me. Actually, bode everyone who isn't threatened by alarm clocks.

Oh, quit your tedious yapping and just marry the bitch! It's clearly a match meant to be--or you wouldn't be so obsessed with her. You're in love with a nutjob, and this is proper, since you're a bent wingnut as well. It'll be a little like Sweeney Todd, except instead of killing strangers, she'll lure them in, slip 'em a mickey, and you can blow them in their narcoleptic haze. Ss get on with it already and stop boring us with the foreplay.

There are no jews or pseudo-oppressed muslims in this story. Why are you here?

On another note... I think I'm getting soft in my old age. Since I moved my crap out on Sunday and the new tenant wasn't moving in until Monday night, I thought about leaving my alarm clock in the room set to blare at 5:30AM so that it could "threaten" her again, but didn't.

[Charles De Mar]

Add to that, I'm moving into a room in a sweet house with some dude from Kenya who works at NASA and some Messican guy who is an engineer at CISCO. Oh, and neither of them have any ambitions about killing me along with every other white man or tossing mothers and their toddlers in the gas chamber. Uh, bode me. Actually, bode everyone who isn't threatened by alarm clocks.

Is this your prelude to writing some new ghey pron now?

[Goober McTuber]

BTW, RACK OCmike.

Of course you did.

There's nothing funny or interesting about what OC dork wrote.

Like I said, Chuckles, you are incapable of judging what is funny. Your posting history is a testament to that fact.

[Dinsdale]

Time for a little addition by subtraction around here.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

Charles De Mar is critiquing comedy now? Keerist. What next, Pickle heading the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition? KC Paul running adverts for 8 Minute Abs? Screw_Michigan blowing Eddie Vedder? Wait...bad example.

[RumpleForeskin]

Mike, are you out of the room yet?

Better make sure you tie your legs together so Valerie can't put a log in between them.

[OCmike]

Add to that, I'm moving into a room in a sweet house with some dude from Kenya who works at NASA and some Messican guy who is an engineer at CISCO. Oh, and neither of them have any ambitions about killing me along with every other white man or tossing mothers and their toddlers in the gas chamber. Uh, bode me. Actually, bode everyone who isn't threatened by alarm clocks.

Is this your prelude to writing some new ghey pron now?

You think I'm about to post ghey pron and suddenly your interest is piqued? Shocker... <----psst...not really.

[Charles De Mar]

If your dickshunairy is authored by Dinsdale and 'piqued interest' is the same as I wont clik on your shitty stories anymore out of fear of the horrwa they contain, then yeah.

[Dinsdale]

I wont clik on your shitty stories anymore.

Sure thing, Chuckles.

BTW-how many times have you clicked on this one so far?

[Charles De Mar]

I wont clik on your shitty stories anymore.

Sure thing, Chuckles.

BTW-how many times have you clicked on this one so far?

I've replied quite a bit to people i'm enjoing insulting in this thread.

But as far as the story is concerened, I haven't read it....what was it about?

[Dinsdale]

Why does he keep writing these really shitty reads?

But as far as the story is concerened, I haven't read it...

Be sure to let us know when you think you're doing well here.

[Jeff in SD]

I've replied quite a bit to people i'm enjoing insulting in this thread.

You having internet access is an insult to everyone with an IQ over 50.

[Charles De Mar]

I've replied quite a bit to people i'm enjoing insulting in this thread.

You having internet access is an insult to everyone with an IQ over 50.

You dont seem to be bothered...

[War Wagon]

You dont seem to be bothered...

Not bad, not bad at all. Pretty good, actually.

Now OC Mike, let's talk about why it is you're renting a room in the first place. I confess, I don't keep up with all your comings and goings... weren't you living in Texas for awhile? And now back in Cali renting a room?

What, the YMCA was full?

[OCmike]

Need to update your spreadsheet, a bit?

I found a much better gig in NoCal in the Bay Area, which gets us out of shitsville,TX. Better pay, better work environment, better place to live, no micromanaging...pretty much better "everything". Well, 'cept for the no fambly part. Fortunately American Airlines has a regular direct flight from San Jose to Austin that only runs $220. War the nerd express to TX.

So I'm out here by myself until we can save up the scratch to move the fambly out. Probably six months or so...

[Dinsdale]

Not bad, not bad at all. Pretty good, actually.

I got that-btw.

[Uncle Fester]

She called a locksmith? What, no paperclips?

[War Wagon]

So I'm out here by myself until we can save up the scratch to move the fambly out. Probably six months or so...

Unimaginable to a flyover 'tard such as myself, but one does what one has to do.

Good luck.

[OCmike]

Thanks.

I'd give you a big speech about how life gives us obstacles to overcome, etc, etc, but I'd just end up outing my Dan Vogel troll. What?...crap, uh..oot.

[Goober McTuber]

You having internet access is an insult to everyone with an IQ over 50.

You dont seem to be bothered...

Not bad, not bad at all. Pretty good, actually.

Whitey Wagon praising an IKYABWAI blast? Yeah, Whitey, that was truly excellent, wasn't it? Fucking tards of a feather.

[Dinsdale]

Uhhh.... Goobs?


That sound you just heard was a joke flying way over your head.

[Goober McTuber]

Uhhh.... Goobs?


That sound you just heard was a joke flying way over your head.

Sorry. I still had you on ignore.

[Rootbeer]

Good call getting away from that psycho hose beast, Mike. I thought for sure I'd see some freak news story about how you were dismembered and cooked in an outdoor brick oven made of powdered single mother skulls and portland cement.

Hope your family can be with you soon. The Frosty Family recently moved to a new area and we went through some struggles to get the family transitioned together but it's worth it. Family is everything.

[OCmike]

Good call getting away from that psycho hose beast, Mike. I thought for sure I'd see some freak news story about how you were dismembered and cooked in an outdoor brick oven made of powdered single mother skulls and portland cement.

Hope your family can be with you soon. The Frosty Family recently moved to a new area and we went through some struggles to get the family transitioned together but it's worth it. Family is everything.

Thanks. It's nice to live in a place now where all of the lights can be off in the house and be able to walk down the hallway without looking over your shoulder to see if a post-menopausal schizophreniac is going to be charging at you with a steak knife. :D

The OL has a job interview with the same company I work for next week. She's the only one being interviewed for the position, so unless she develops a nasty case of tourette's over the next 7 days and starts dropping f-bombs and saying "cunt' over and over, it sounds like she should get the gig. It's always nice when you find out the position pays about 25% more than your minimum threshold too.

Moving (again) really sucks, but you're right...family is everything.