Hey country music tards

[Dinsdale]

Anyone remember a video for Brooks and Dunn called Rock My World Little Country Girl?

I was never familiar with it until now, since that doesn't really meet the standards of "music."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Rneoxfrsr0



Anyhoo, that blonde hottie who starred in the video was obviously chosen for the role for two reasons -- her physical beauty, and her ability to operate a vehicle after drinking it up on a set...


Bitch just blew a 0.55 on the breathalyzer here in Portland.


No, that wasn't a typo -- I really did mean to type 0.55.

Fuck, a few more beers, and I'll bet we could get her to post a pic on here of herself wearing panties.


0.55 and still able to get a car moving in a generally forward-direction is world-freaking-class ability to hold one's liquor.

[Terry in Crapchester]

.55? Wow . . . just . . . wow.

The highest I've ever seen myself is a .39, and I was extremely impressed (not in a good way) by that.

Postscript to that story is not a warm and fuzzy, however. Client who blew a .39 was dead within five years of that DWI. Basically, he drank himself to death. For that girl's sake, I hope she gets some help, soon.

[BSmack]

Anyone remember a video for Brooks and Dunn called Rock My World Little Country Girl?

I was never familiar with it until now, since that doesn't really meet the standards of "music."

I liked that song a lot better when it was called "Green River" and sung by John Fogarty.

[Goober McTuber]

Fuck, a few more beers, and I'll bet we could get her to post a pic on here of herself wearing panties.

.55? Wow . . . just . . . wow.

The highest I've ever seen myself is a .39, and I was extremely impressed (not in a good way) by that.

Postscript to that story is not a warm and fuzzy, however. Client who blew a .39 was dead within five years of that DWI. Basically, he drank himself to death. For that girl's sake, I hope she gets some help, soon.

With the camera, you mean?

[PSUFAN]

Those are some slick duds those fellers are sportin'.

sin, rozy

[Dinsdale]

For that girl's sake, I hope she gets some help, soon.

With the camera, you mean?

Yeah, uhh, I was gonna kinda say that any U&L chick who drinks that much should go through... well, let's just say a certain "drunken U&L skank right of passage," involving a certain prolific U&L messageboard poster before she sobers up.

[BSmack]

Not bad looking for a .55 I'd say.



BTW: She was found passed out in a car outside a pizza parlor. No word on if she was actually able to operate the vehicle. Though, at .55, I give her some serious credit for punking ol' Chuck D.

http://jezebel.com/338702/dont-drink-an ... is-weekend

[Smackie Chan]

Jeebus...I freely admit that I'm a piker when it comes to drinking. I doubt that I've ever been above .20. I can't fathom what it must take to get to .55.

[Cuda]

No, really, mvs. She had a large pepperoni pizza & a 12 pack of beer on the seat beside her.

[Dinsdale]

BTW: She was found passed out in a car outside a pizza parlor.

That is such bullshit.

I think I know where you're going with this.

And it kinda is.

But in Oregon, if the proper key is in the ignition switch, you're "operating" the vehicle. It doesn't have to be running, it doesn't have to move. Just have the ignition key in the ignition switch.

[Terry in Crapchester]

BTW: She was found passed out in a car outside a pizza parlor.

That is such bullshit.

I think I know where you're going with this.

And it kinda is.

But in Oregon, if the proper key is in the ignition switch, you're "operating" the vehicle. It doesn't have to be running, it doesn't have to move. Just have the ignition key in the ignition switch.

It's that way in New York as well.

"Operating" a vehicle is a lower standard than "driving" a vehicle.

[Dinsdale]

"Operating" a vehicle is a lower standard than "driving" a vehicle.

Yeah, I think here in Oregon, the "operating" standard became a neccessity, since the large Chinese population here had an affirmative defense to DUII when it was "driving."

[OCmike]

In CA, if the keys are within reach, it's considered "Intent to drive" and they bust you anyway.

Back in my drinking days, I picked up a skank at closing time at a local bar and my buddy loaned me his bitchin '79 Camaro so that I could DUI us back to her place and give her the double-fishhook reverse piledriver.

Out in front of her house was a parking spot between two other cars. I somehow parallel parked without nailing either of the other two cars, but unbeknownst to me had put the rear passenger side wheel up on the curb. Veeeeeeery smooth...

So we're getting out of the vehicle, I take the keys out of the ignition and promptly drop them down the crack between the middle console and the driver's seat. Again, veeeery smoove... I try to reach down the crack to retrieve them with no luck. I open the door, get on my hands and knees (even MORE smoove points) and try to dig them out from underneath. Right about then I notice the flashing blue and red lights behind me. Oops.

Two cops walk up and give me the standard, "Had a bit too much to drink tonight, sir?" routine. Fuck. I stood up and was swaying back and forth or in other words, pretty much dead to rights, so I admitted that I had had a few. Never a good move, but I didn't want to piss them off either and it was clear that I had consumed copious amounts of beer.

Meanwhile the chick has this "This blows. Am I going to get nailed tonight or what?!" impatient look on her face.

"Have you been operating this vehicle tonight, sir?", one of them asks.
"No," I respond. "We were just about to go somewhere. I dropped the keys inside and can't find them."

The other cop shines his flashlight on the wheel that's up on the curb and says, "Niiiiiiice parking job."

His partner shines his flashlight in the car, under the seat and around the console, but can't find the keys either. He's clearly pissed.

"You do realize that if I could find your keys right now, it's the same as if you were driving?"
"Yes, sir."
"But unfortunately for us, since we can't find the keys and we never actually saw you driving the vehicle, this is your lucky day."
"Yes, sir."
"Do you have someplace nearby to walk to?"
"Yeah, my place is right over there," the skank says and points to a condo.
"Good, because if I see this car on the road anytime in the next 24 hours I'm pulling your ass over and taking you to jail."
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."
"Don't thank me, thank your magic disappearing keys."

I walk with the chick to her place, jimmy her snizz a few times and pass out. The next morning I wake up, hit it one more time and leave.

I get in the car, look waaaay down in the crack between the seat and console and there are the keys. I have no idea how the cop didn't see them. Woo hoo!

That was the LAST time I ever got shitfaced at a bar and tried to drive. I learned my lesson bigtime.

[Cuda]

Did you happen to rest a pan of left-over fried chicken on her back while you nailed her in the ass?

Moorese wants to know

[OCmike]

No, but I did get some brutal carpet burns on my knees. She was moving and was all but moved out, so there was no furniture to fuck on, so we just did it in the empty living room on the carpet. That shit hurt for days.

[Dinsdale]

No, but I did get some brutal carpet burns on my knees. She was moving and was all but moved out, so there was no furniture to fuck on, so we just did it in the empty living room on the carpet. That shit hurt for days.

The next time you get laid, it might not be a bad idea to act like it's actually happened before.

Rug burns?


Rookiesayswhat?



Uhm... did you know that if you kneel/rest the knees on one of the removed articles of clothing, you don't get the rug burns?


Jeebuz freaking keerist, do I have to teach you morons how to freaking breath properly, too?

[OCmike]

I was so drunk I didn't notice it happening at the time, so I never gave it a thought.. Didn't feel a thing until the next morning when I tried to stand up.

Oh, and my hog has plenty of mileage on it, it's just that 99% of it has been on beds, couches, backseats of cars, kingcabs, etc. That was the first and last time that I've fucked on carpet.

[Cuda]

Please say it wasn't orange shag carpet. The implications would be too scary to contemplate

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

did you know that if you kneel/rest the knees on one of the removed articles of clothing, you don't get the rug burns?

AP tried that, but g-strings can only protect so much.

[Mister Bushice]

Those tarp sized panties were capable of hosting an orgy of 20 something wild chicks, though.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

So AP must be hanging out with chicks old enough to be his daughter. You know, getting all freaky and wild and stuff.

That's gotta make the parents proud.

[Smackie Chan]

So AP must be hanging out with chicks old enough to be his daughter. You know, getting all freaky and wild and stuff.

That's gotta make the parents proud.

Prolly not too tough for the folks to be proud, seein's how the freaky wildness is happenin' on their couch.

[Dog]

WTF is up with you Oregonians, Dins.

This chick in Klamath just blew a .72. A POINT SEVEN FREAKIN TWO.

http://www.ktvb.com/news/regional/stori ... c621a.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Dinsdale]

First off, making claims that K Falls is in Oregon is fighting words. That's NoCal.


Second, 'round these parts, we have a word for someone ringing up 0.72 on the breatalyzer -- we call that a "slam dunk" for the defense lawyer.


On a realted note --

HILLSBORO, Ore. (AP) - Jurors resume deliberations Thursday in the drunken-driving case against Matt Roloff, star of the reality-TV show "Little People, Big World."

The jury got the case Wednesday and deliberated for three hours before heading home. They are deciding whether Roloff was impaired by alcohol when a Washington County sheriff's deputy stopped his van shortly before midnight June 19.

If found guilty, the 46-year-old could spend up to a year in jail.

The Learning Channel program showcases Matt and Amy Roloff and their son, Zach, who are little people, and their other three children, who are average size. The Roloffs, who live on a farm in Washington County, say they wanted to do the show to dispel stereotypes about dwarfism. Producers say the show has won a following because it captures the everyday struggles of a wholesome family.

Roloff testified Wednesday that he had one beer after getting home from an RV trip that was filmed for the show. Then he met a producer to look at a Volkswagen that was being custom rebuilt for him, and he dropped the man off in a bar parking lot because it was a central location.

Roloff said he had trouble driving home because he was in his wife's van, and the pedal extensions didn't fit him; he has longer legs and a shorter torso than she does.

Roloff was stopped by Deputy Allen Pastori, who testified that Roloff had alcohol on his breath and his eyes were glassy.

Roloff failed a field sobriety test because his eyes could not track the deputy's finger, Pastori said. Roloff later refused to blow into the Intoxylyzer machine at the Washington County Jail.

Roloff said he didn't trust Pastori or the machine and had read that the test results were skewed against little people.

Must be nice to have money and celebrity. One of my buddies, who just happened to be a semi-neighbor of Roloff out in the boonies, plead not guilty to the same charges in the same freaking courtroom. He failed no field-sobriety tests, since he didn't take any. He had a medical excuse for poor walking abilities, since he had a blowed-up knee at the time, as Roloff is similarly playing some physical impairment card. But rather than a couple of days, the jury deliberated for about 10 minutes in my bud's case, which he's quite certain that 7 minutes of which were spent on smoke-break.


Although he's still awaiting the appeal results (for oh, like a year and a half or so at this point... so he has to complete the "counseling" and pay all of the other corruption fees that DUII convicts are subjected to, which are still non-refundable upon winning an appeal -- nice little scam, that). The judge butchered the trail badly (although my buddy wondered if it wasn't intentional on the judge's part, since the judge gave the impression he thought the defendant was being railraoded), so the appeal scumbag/lawyer believes it's a pretty good chance he'll win.


And justice for all, baby!


Sidenote -- the Roloffs are not well-liked people by their neighbors.

[Dinsdale]

And just just just in...


Roloff walks on the DUII. Popped for refusing the breath test (given in Oregon) and some minor infraction.

And apparently, the arresting officer claims he began following dude after he left a Bethany-area bar, and pulled him over near his home. That's an awful lot of miles (lightly travelled roads late at night) to not make a stop on someone who you believed was drunk. Sounds like there was serious grounds for appeal had the verdict gone the other way (the judge pretty much gave the jury the boot, since they asked the judge to clarify the details of the Implied Consent Law that they'd read on the internet... OOOPS).


Better to let ten guilty men go free than convict one because of a cop on a witch hunt... midget hunt, whatever.

[Dog]

First off, making claims that K Falls is in Oregon is fighting words. That's NoCal.

Umm, being born and raised in Redding, Ca, you know the TRUE No Cal, then I think we must be rearin for a fight. Plain and simple, Klamath is in Oregon. The State of Jefferson doesn't even want Klamath Falls.

[Dinsdale]

A guy I know who travelled the West Coast for work used to routinely say "If you were to give the United States an enema, you'd shove the tube in Redding."

Personally, I don't have a problem with it -- but I haven't spent enough time there to develope a distaste for it. I spent one fucking hot motherfucking afternoon there once. Redding is where the heat from the Valley goes to escape the heat.

But for myself, the Liquor Barn is right next to I-5... truly a glorious establishment. They look at you funny if you pull out an Oregon license, and buy a bag of ice to go with your Glenlivet gift pack with the glasses in the package... or so I hear. They look at you even more funny in Ashland if said Glenlivet is gone by then... or so I hear.


RACK all State of Jefferson references-btw. I don't think most people realize just how banjo-pluckin NoCal is once you get away from the Bay and Sac. If you're not at Shasta or Mt Ashland, you're filming outtakes from a Deliverance remake. But dang, Corning is sure a bastion of culture and civilization.

[Dinsdale]

we must be rearin for a fight. Plain and simple, Klamath is in Oregon.

Or, we could negotiate a peaceful settlement, and compromise that K Falls is in Nevada... like they'd notice or anything.


Which btw-I don't know if anyone saw that the Truckee Canal gave way during the big storm last weekend. This was a very disturbing news story, and the consequences of the massive flooding were indeed tragic -- the city of Fallon, NV wasn't wiped off the map.

[Dinsdale]

WTF is up with you Oregonians, Dins.

Yeah, we should probably spend our designated lesuire hours cutting off our hands which bear the mark of the beast, and putting said soggy hand into the microwave, eh Dog?

[Dinsdale]

But by far the best U&L news going is this:

Mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist's name is sure to be mentioned when Arlington holds its annual town meeting Wednesday.

Some of the mayor's roughly 500 constituents will want to know her views on the issues affecting the Eastern Oregon community; others will want to talk about her underwear.

The mayor's lingerie is a hot topic here, with some residents upset that she posted pictures of herself wearing only a black bra and panties on her MySpace page. She was on one of the town's fire engines.

Kontur-Gronquist's MySpace page is blocked to all but her friends, but the pictures were at one time available to all users. In an interview with the (Pendleton) East Oregonian, the mayor said she did nothing wrong and those who are offended need to get over it.

"That's my personal life," she said. "It has nothing to do with my mayor's position."

Kontur-Gronquist, who is also the fire department's executive secretary, said the photos were taken before she was elected mayor three years ago, and she saw no reason to remove them from the Internet after taking office.

"I'm not going to change who I am," she said. "There's a lot of officials that have a personal life, and you have people in this community who have nothing better to do than scrape up stuff like this."

Lorena Woods is one of those residents who say the photos of a scantily clad mayor reflect badly on Arlington.

"It's a picture of her in bra and panties on a rural protection fire truck in a rural protection fire hall," Woods said. "This isn't the way we want our city to be portrayed."

Councilman Jeff Bufton said he's heard a lot of negative comments about the pictures, but declined to say whether the council plans to address the topic.

Yeah, yeah, I know ---

[Dog]

WTF is up with you Oregonians, Dins.

Yeah, we should probably spend our designated lesuire hours cutting off our hands which bear the mark of the beast, and putting said soggy hand into the microwave, eh Dog?

The old lady two offices down just came in to ask me if I was alright, I was laughing so loud.

I thought about posting that article on here yesterday, but then my laziness took over.

[Dog]

But by far the best U&L news going is this:

Mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist's name is sure to be mentioned when Arlington holds its annual town meeting Wednesday.

Some of the mayor's roughly 500 constituents will want to know her views on the issues affecting the Eastern Oregon community; others will want to talk about her underwear.

The mayor's lingerie is a hot topic here, with some residents upset that she posted pictures of herself wearing only a black bra and panties on her MySpace page. She was on one of the town's fire engines.

Kontur-Gronquist's MySpace page is blocked to all but her friends, but the pictures were at one time available to all users. In an interview with the (Pendleton) East Oregonian, the mayor said she did nothing wrong and those who are offended need to get over it.

"That's my personal life," she said. "It has nothing to do with my mayor's position."

Kontur-Gronquist, who is also the fire department's executive secretary, said the photos were taken before she was elected mayor three years ago, and she saw no reason to remove them from the Internet after taking office.

"I'm not going to change who I am," she said. "There's a lot of officials that have a personal life, and you have people in this community who have nothing better to do than scrape up stuff like this."

Lorena Woods is one of those residents who say the photos of a scantily clad mayor reflect badly on Arlington.

"It's a picture of her in bra and panties on a rural protection fire truck in a rural protection fire hall," Woods said. "This isn't the way we want our city to be portrayed."

Councilman Jeff Bufton said he's heard a lot of negative comments about the pictures, but declined to say whether the council plans to address the topic.

Yeah, yeah, I know ---

I'd fuck her. Not saying I'd enjoy it, but I probably wouldn't have to drink too many beers to find her hittable.

[Dog]

A guy I know who travelled the West Coast for work used to routinely say "If you were to give the United States an enema, you'd shove the tube in Redding."

Your friend obviously never traveled to Pocatello, Idaho, Butte, Montana or Wichita, Kansas.
The armpit, butthole and douchebag of America respectively.

[BSmack]

A guy I know who travelled the West Coast for work used to routinely say "If you were to give the United States an enema, you'd shove the tube in Redding."

Your friend obviously never traveled to Pocatello, Idaho, Butte, Montana or Wichita, Kansas.
The armpit, butthole and douchebag of America respectively.

You've obviously never been to Bridgeport, CT.

[Dinsdale]

Not saying I agreed with the guy, merely quoting him.

No one should make any such judgements about America's Anus until they've been to Fallon, Nevada.

[RumpleForeskin]

Your friend obviously never traveled to Pocatello, Idaho, Butte, Montana or Wichita, Kansas.
The armpit, butthole and douchebag of America respectively.

Cut N' Shoot, TX

The name speaks for itself.

[Cuda]

The mayor's lingerie is a hot topic here, with some residents upset that she posted pictures of herself wearing only a black bra and panties on her MySpace page.

I can imagine...

If our mayor posted pics of hizself all Atomic Punked up that'd probably be a hot topic here too.

But from the looks of him, I'm guessing he'd have a myspace page with similar pics



Look closely and you can make out what looks like bra straps on his shoulders

[OCmike]

Not saying I agreed with the guy, merely quoting him.

No one should make any such judgements about America's Anus until they've been to Fallon, Nevada.

RACK!

I drove from Vegas to Lake Tahoe for a fambly event many moons ago and took Hwy 95 (?) through Fallon.

My God and G0D, what a shit heap that place is. Hell, Northern Alabama necks think Fallon is a trashy trailer town. I pity the Airman that gets stationed there.

[Dinsdale]

I've said it before, I'll say it again -- you don't wanna run out of gas miles from Fallon at 2:30AM in the middle of winter. Unless I suppose you're into meeting methed-out senior citizen Hell's Angels, I guess, and are into being propositioned for gas station bathroom sexual encounters by toothless Injun skanks.

Great night that was.

My whole idea of what constitutes a "shithole" changed that day.


It is cool of them to put all those lighted radar-speed signs out along US95, though -- it makes it easier to check the accuracy of your speedometer when you're up into the triple-digits.


And I'm still trying to figure out why there's both a Navy base and a Coast Gaurd station in the middle of the freaking desert -- I suppose if the Mormons mobilize their troops (AGAIN... you'd think they'd have learned after the last 3 failed attempts) and start heading across Salt Lake, we'll be ready for them.


And no, I'm not making that up -- there's a freaking Navy base and a Coast Gaurd station in the middle of nowhere in Nevada ("middle of nowhere" and Nevada could be considered redundant-btw).


SUPERLATIVE shithole.

[Dinsdale]

BTW -- in one of those shithole hole-in-the-wall towns along US95, where you have to stop for a crosswalk in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, there was some great big pimp parading an Injun midget hooker up and down the sidewalk. Nevermind that there wasn't another car within 20 miles. My travelling companion and I actually had to stop and do a double-take, since we were pretty sure we were hallucinating... nope, we weren't -- there really was some dude parading an Injun midget hooker down the sidewalk in the middle of nowhere... then, the laughter ensued.


What a rodie that was. Later, I ended up visiting a buddy in San Fran, and we did the wake-and-bake in a MAJOR way -- to the point of the gigglies and general silliness. Might have been a drink or two involved. Which was all well and good, except I kinda zoned off and couldn't remember which East Bay BART Station I was supposed to meet my ride back to Oregon at, and had no phone contact at the time.


You don't wanna be wasted off your ass and be the only white dude walking around the train stations of Richmond, CA(9th most dangerous city in the USA). I'd recommend against.


But the drive home allowed for a stop at the Redding Liquor Barn, so it all worked out.