Help me pick my therapy animal

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

Esteemed members of T1B,

As I'm sure many of you know, "emotional support animals" are all the rage in 2019. I've been contemplating getting one for quite some time to alleviate my anxiety due to the very rare condition I suffer from known as GDS (Giant Dick Syndrome). Yeah believe it or not, it's possible to have a schwank so large that it's emotionally burdensome. It's a real struggle going out in public wondering if every person I come into contact with is staring at my massive schlong. But I don't want a cat or dog, too cliche. Therefore I've whittled my selections down to three animals. Please help me decide, my faithful compadres.

A. Emotional Support Harpy Eagle

Bald eagles get all the publicity, but the harpy eagle is the true bad ass of the sky. These fuckers are among the world's largest and most powerful eagles, and sit atop the food chain.

B. Emotional Support Goliath Birdeater Spider

The name says it all. These spiders are so huge, they prey on birds. They also have a nice layer of hair, so you can cuddle up at night and stay warm.

C. Emotional Support Angler Fish

This one would be tricky as I would have to cart it around in an aquarium all day. But it might be worth it as the angler fish is so bizarre looking, it would steal all the world's eyeballs away from my enormous wang.

[smackaholic]

You should just get a sheep. They been providing the type of emotional support single men need for millenia.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

BTW -- let's try to keep this thread serious in nature. TIA.

[The Whistle Is Screaming]

OK, if we are being serious about it, there is only one choice of the three. First, throw out the fish, it's not even worthy of consideration due to the logistics of carrying around a functional tank. Second, forget the spider, only a freak would want a spider. Don't get me wrong, I support spiders in their natural habitat, but this crosses a line. So your only reasonable choice is the Eagle.

Hope this helps with your difficult decision.

Your pal,
TWIS

[Screw_Michigan]

If we're remaining serious in this thread, and you do indeed have a massive schlong, why would you want an eagle that could land on this massive schlong?

[BSmack]

Can't you just be like other dudes and have an emotional support beer?

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

If we're remaining serious in this thread, and you do indeed have a massive schlong, why would you want an eagle that could land on this massive schlong?

That's an excellent point I hadn't considered. Being a noted black man, you understand the struggle is real.

[Wolfman]

Bri is spot on this one.

[The Whistle Is Screaming]

If we're remaining serious in this thread, and you do indeed have a massive schlong, why would you want an eagle that could land on this massive schlong?

That's an excellent point I hadn't considered. Being a noted black man, you understand the struggle is real.

Uhm, that's what they make the special glove for.

[Smackie Chan]

I've given this a lot of thought, and while I believe you have unnecessarily and unfortunately constrained yourself by limiting your options to just these three candidates, I will stay within those limits in my forthcoming analysis.

I think it's safe to first eliminate the angler fish, not just for logistical and maintenance reasons, but primarily for your own genital safety. Granted, I am making certain assumptions here, one of them being that the fish will occasionally see you sans clothing, and could tragically mistake your impressive, albeit burdensome, trouser trout for one of the, say, rainbow or brook variety. I don't think I need to go into more detail regarding the potential outcome of such a sighting, especially if the tank's lid isn't secure or is non-existent.

While the harpy eagle may, at first blush, appear to be a fine option, let's not discount the possibility that it might, at some point, encounter a bird-eating spider. Then where does that leave you? You guessed it - no more harpy, and no more emotional support.

Which leaves you with the only logical choice. While we humans are limited to only two appendages with which to provide hugs during times when the need for emotional support is at its peak (ok, maybe four for the limber among us), the bird-eating spider has eight - count 'em - EIGHT long, furry ones to really kick it up a notch when those embraces are most needed. And as you mentioned, the cuddle factor is among the most important when making such a crucial decision. (Another reason to easily eliminate the fish from consideration.)

So there you have it. In my humble opinion, no further input is needed. YW.

[Kierland]

It’s clearly the fish because, as has been noted, you are not moving the damn thing much, if at all. Ergo you will be at home and not subject to all the fucking retards out there, which is probably why you need the therapy in the first place.

On a related note, my 10yo picked a gender last week.
Attack helicopter was the choice, so I need appropriate pronouns.

Any ideas?

[Jay in Phoenix]

Your choices are quite interesting, and the support angler fish does have quite a nice look to it. The eagle may be problematic when perched on your enormous willy, what with those ripping talons and all. The spider just doesn't seem to offer real emotional support. So we circle back to the fish. Now bear in mind, the angler is a striking specimen but those teeth have a nasty quality to them. In lieu of this, may I offer a new icthys for your consideration.

Introducing, the Red LIpped Batfish!



Not only cuter than the angler, but those lips may come in handy...nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

[EAP]

Esteemed members of T1B,

As I'm sure many of you know, "emotional support animals" are all the rage in 2019. I've been contemplating getting one for quite some time to alleviate my anxiety due to the very rare condition I suffer from known as GDS (Giant Dick Syndrome). Yeah believe it or not, it's possible to have a schwank so large that it's emotionally burdensome. It's a real struggle going out in public wondering if every person I come into contact with is staring at my massive schlong. But I don't want a cat or dog, too cliche. Therefore I've whittled my selections down to three animals. Please help me decide, my faithful compadres.

A. Emotional Support Harpy Eagle

Bald eagles get all the publicity, but the harpy eagle is the true bad ass of the sky. These fuckers are among the world's largest and most powerful eagles, and sit atop the food chain.

B. Emotional Support Goliath Birdeater Spider

The name says it all. These spiders are so huge, they prey on birds. They also have a nice layer of hair, so you can cuddle up at night and stay warm.

C. Emotional Support Angler Fish

This one would be tricky as I would have to cart it around in an aquarium all day. But it might be worth it as the angler fish is so bizarre looking, it would steal all the world's eyeballs away from my enormous wang.

Quick question to help gain some valuable perspective on this touchy subject.

Would you say that you have tiny little girl hands and feet?

Because from that vantage point,
Of being cursed with soft tiny girly hands, even a small dick would seem LARGE to an effeminate Kalamazoo resident such as yourself.

Consequently, if you had large gorilla hands like say Shaquille o'neal, andre' the giant or myself?

Your member would appear to be on the smallish side of ridiculous.

It's all a matter of sheer perspective and your family genes.

[Shlomart Ben Yisrael]

You are obsessed with other men's junk.

[EAP]

You are obsessed with other men's junk.

I was already overly impressed by your rabbinical credentials.
Now you've a PhD in clinical psychology as well?

You're getting close to one day being able to call yourself a colleague of our own 88.

Keep up the good work doctor Shmuley.

[Derron]

If we're remaining serious in this thread, and you do indeed have a massive schlong, why would you want an eagle that could land on this massive schlong?

Figures the moment the big dong talk started the bi curious in you would come out and get you asking dong questions.

Rack Mgo for a decent thread BTW.

[EAP]

If we're remaining serious in this thread, and you do indeed have a massive schlong, why would you want an eagle that could land on this massive schlong?

Figures the moment the big dong talk started the bi curious in you would come out and get you asking dong questions.

Rack Mgo for a decent thread BTW.

Well, a lot of leftist trolls are here out of bi-curiosity, but I'm here strictly for clinical research, and to monitor the left wing trolls of course.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

I've given this a lot of thought, and while I believe you have unnecessarily and unfortunately constrained yourself by limiting your options to just these three candidates, I will stay within those limits in my forthcoming analysis.

I think it's safe to first eliminate the angler fish, not just for logistical and maintenance reasons, but primarily for your own genital safety. Granted, I am making certain assumptions here, one of them being that the fish will occasionally see you sans clothing, and could tragically mistake your impressive, albeit burdensome, trouser trout for one of the, say, rainbow or brook variety. I don't think I need to go into more detail regarding the potential outcome of such a sighting, especially if the tank's lid isn't secure or is non-existent.

While the harpy eagle may, at first blush, appear to be a fine option, let's not discount the possibility that it might, at some point, encounter a bird-eating spider. Then where does that leave you? You guessed it - no more harpy, and no more emotional support.

Which leaves you with the only logical choice. While we humans are limited to only two appendages with which to provide hugs during times when the need for emotional support is at its peak (ok, maybe four for the limber among us), the bird-eating spider has eight - count 'em - EIGHT long, furry ones to really kick it up a notch when those embraces are most needed. And as you mentioned, the cuddle factor is among the most important when making such a crucial decision. (Another reason to easily eliminate the fish from consideration.)

So there you have it. In my humble opinion, no further input is needed. YW.

BOOM. Nailed it. You've made the decision rather easy when you lay it out in such a logical manner. Once again, Smackie Chan delivers in the clutch. That is why I am going with...



~drum roll~



MOTHMAN OF LAKE MICHIGAN

[Dr_Phibes]

Don't bother with Mothman. Been there, done that.

This expensive purchase failed to impress my friends and rivals, which was the only reason I bought him. Most people suggested I was compensating for something, even though I assured them I am well within the margin of error for average size.

I threw him back in the lake, where he belongs. It was a long drive and huge waste of gas money. Thanks for nothing, a******'s.

[Dinsdale]

my massive schlong.

You root for MSU, but you didn't graduate from MSU -- ERGO(Latin), you in fact have a tiny penis, like your buddy Screw.

[Dr_Phibes]

And another thing. Mothman is heavy! I didn't count on that.

I was out of breath just dragging him from the car and unable to lift him off me when I pretended he had me pinned down.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

Guys, I don't want to make this about tiny penises and bad football fans. I think we really bonded as a community today. Great contributions all around. Keep up the good work, fellas. Take it one day at a time, one post at at time. Put your blinders on, keep grindin', keep choppin.

[Smackie Chan]

Keep up the good work, fellas. Take it one day at a time, one post at at time. Put your blinders on, keep grindin', keep choppin.

I think imma just row the boat.

[Python]

tiny penises and bad football fans

You gotta' be kidding me. The one time I finally make a list.

Sonofabitch!!

[Screw_Michigan]

You root for MSU, but you didn't graduate from MSU -- ERGO(Latin), you in fact have a tiny penis, like your buddy Screw.

Keep 'sessing. Someone mentions small penises and Dins comes running as fast as Lamar Jackson.

[L45B]

War Eagle. :?

[Softball Bat]

MOTHMAN OF LAKE MICHIGAN

[The State]